Fever Dream


The episodes of déjà vu are getting much stronger of late. More frequent too. I am stuck in the dream-box, hallucinating reality. Stuck in the reality box, dreaming my head off. The dreams are coming thick and furious now. They are relentless. I am constantly struggling against feelings of all-pervading unreality, trying to figure out what is going on, what it all means. It means something, that is for sure, but I don’t know what. Another wave of unreality breaks over me with such intensity that I feel as if I want to physically hold onto something…


Fleeting perceptions of a deeper truth are coming into my head but I can’t seem to make sense of it. At times I think that I can almost get it, but then it swims away again. I am trapped in a prosaic narrative that doesn’t have any connection to what is really going on; it’s a dummy narrative, a decoy to stop me seeing reality. The dummy narrative is too strong for me to break away from for long – it keeps pulling me back. I know that if I want to understand what is happening to me I have to stop being pulled back into the gravitational field of the false narrative that my mind keeps providing me with. I have to learn to disbelieve my mind, and resist its tricks. My mind is too strong, though – it masters me easily. It always gets the better of me. It keeps me in the box.


I am stuck in the dream-box, hallucinating reality. Stuck in the reality-box, dreaming that I exist. Dreaming all sorts of things that aren’t really true. Things that don’t even make sense, not when you actually look at them. And the whole time something is trying to tell me that none of this is real. That none of this is actually happening to me. Waves of awareness are surging through me but I’m just not listening. I’m holding on for dear life. I’m fighting against the waves of unreality that keep crashing into me, threatening to drag me from my moorings. I’m panicking, struggling against them. I’m holding on to the narrative. Great waves of déjà vu awareness hitting into me, washing over me, threatening to pull me loose from everything I know…


None of this is happening. I’m not here at all. I’m somewhere far away. I’m somewhere infinitely removed from all this. I never had this life at all – it’s slipping away from me. It’s not real. I was never real. It never happened. It is the life I dreamed. I’m somewhere else. I’m dreaming it all. I’m far, far away, stuck in the dream-box, hallucinating reality. I keep fantasizing that I’m lying somewhere in a coma, in a hospital bed perhaps – hooked up to life-support. Dreaming everything. Dreaming it all. Pangs of unbearable sadness break within me. I know this never happened. I’m in the dream-box. I’m lying in the hospital bed in a coma, hooked up to loads of instrumentation, dreaming all this. I’m flat-lining. I’m in the reality-generator hooked up to the world-projector machine. If I wake up then I’ll discover that I’m not here. I’ll discover that I just imagined it all.


I’m dreaming so fast now that I can hardly keep up with it. Hundreds of feverish little dreams one after another, not really making any sense at all. They seem to make sense, but they don’t. Fever dreams. Flickering in and out of make-believe reality. Febrile fantasies. I’m a butterfly dreaming that it’s a man, a man dreaming that he’s a butterfly. I’m in the dream-box dreaming up reality. And when I wake up I’ll no longer exist. I’m hallucinating myself but the one doing the hallucinating isn’t real….




Image taken from  Dead White Zombies




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