I Was Trying to Approximate the Look


I was trying to approximate the look. I was trying to get the look. Let’s be a bit more colloquial here – I don’t want to sound like I’m weird or anything like that. Let’s try to normalize things a bit. I don’t want to feel like some kind of weirdo freak. I’m sick of feeling like a freak. Always feeling like a freak. Always frightened of being found out. I wish someone knew how hard it is for me. I wish someone could appreciate that. How am I ever going to approximate the look? I don’t even know what the look is. I don’t know the first thing about it. How could I?


I’m getting the strongest feeling of déjà vu saying this. It’s like I’ve said it all before. It’s as if caught up in some weird circular trap where I keep on coming back to the same point, only I never get to quite understand what that point is. I’m going around and around like a blue-bottle trapped in a jam jar. It’s as if I’m not capable of understanding the point. My mouth keeps on saying the words, but I don’t really know what I’m saying. I have no idea. At the time I think I do, but I don’t…


I’m anxious that I may not be able to accurately approximate the look. Or rather, I’m anxious that people may start to notice that I’m not quite what I’m pretending to be. That I’m a bit off. I’m anxious that people will suss me out, in other words. I’m worried that someone will twig me, that someone will see what I’m at. There are two elements to my problem, two separate aspects to it. On the one hand I worry about not being able to approximate the look, and on the other hand I worry about the fact that I don’t really know what the look is, which means of course that I don’t actually know what I am trying to approximate…


The one problem is implicit in the other, I guess. The one comes from the other. It’s no wonder that I’m anxious that I might not be able to carry it off, seeing as how I don’t actually know what the hell it is that I’m trying to do! That’s no small problem, as I’m sure you can appreciate. But it’s not as simple as that. The thing is you see that I’ve always been able to do it before. I’ve always been able to pull it off before – more or less, anyway. I never really knew what it was I was trying to do. I kind of assumed that I did but I didn’t. I fudged it, one way or another, and because I was able to fudge it I never thought any more about it! I never went into it. I assumed that I knew what I was doing without realizing that I was assuming anything, which is I guess the usual way it works.


It’s only now that I’ve started to realize that I don’t know and that I never actually did. I was just too dumb to know that I didn’t know. That’s come as a bit of a blow to my confidence, to put it mildly. It’s knocked me. I don’t know how to come back from that. It’s all started to come undone for me. It’s unravelling, it’s coming apart at the seams and when it does that there’s no way of ever putting it back together again….






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