My ego was basking – basking like a great basking shark, basking in the glory. I love basking in the glory, don’t you? The great, great glory. It’s all so wonderfully glorious that I don’t even know how to tell you about it. Good times, my friends, good, good times…
Only it isn’t really glory at all of course – it’s imitation glory, ersatz glory, make-believe glory, glory that turns out to be not so glorious after all. It’s glory that turns out to be just as crappy as everything else in my life, in fact!
It’s all very dismal – my whole life is very dismal. There – I’ve come out and said it! I was wretched in myself, down in the mouth, demoralized and dispirited, but I could never admit it. It would have been bad form to admit it; it’s a terrible thing when you have to come right out and admit stuff like that to yourself. ‘How could things ever have come to this?’ I ask myself. ‘What has happened to all my splendid dreams of unmitigated success in the world?’ I knew the answer to this question only too well however – they’d all gone down the toilet, and that was the end of the matter…
I have many regrets in my life – many, many regrets. No end of regrets. I know people sometimes say that they have no regrets and stuff like that but I for one find this highly implausible! It’s all just talk you see – nothing more than empty words. I’d say they’re only making it up when they claim, in such a cocky fashion, to have no regrets – I bet on the inside they’re hurting like hell! You bet they’re hurting. They’re all screwed up on the inside about it but they won’t let on out of pure, dumb stubbornness.
The first thing I think of when I wake up in the morning is all the poor life choices that I’ve made – the choices that have resulted in me being where I am today, and that’s a long, long list. It’s a list of bad choices that seems to go on forever and – to cap it all – I’m still making them. It seems that I’m not able to get through a single day without adding to this wretched ignominious list…
Positive thinking is very important though and so I make a big effort to leave all that crappy negative thinking behind and attract positive life-enriching experiences with my hearty positive vibrations. Life-enriching experiences are so very important, aren’t they? It’s very important to stay in a positive mind-state and attract wealth, success and self-worth and all that sort of stuff.
I spend many hours every day making robust life-affirming statements to myself and engaging in positive self-talk but I must say that it hasn’t paid out for me yet. It hasn’t made any difference that I can notice. Sometimes I wonder if all that stuff on the internet we keep getting bombarded with isn’t just a load of old bollocks. Sometimes I suspect that they’re just taking the piss. Having a bit of a laugh at my expense. It all seems so generic and superficial, after all. I can’t help suspecting that one day I might look back on all the effort I’ve put into as a pure waste of time. And that will be yet another regret for me to brood over…
