I was shopping for a new ego-identity. ‘Be confident and full of shit’, the advert said, ‘you’ll be wildly popular in no time’. Everyone likes a confident idiot, after all, I reflected. It would certainly be something to consider. As a possible road to go down, it had a lot to recommend it I felt. An awful lot.
Folk will like you for that, you see. They’ll want to hang around with you and absorb some of your special kudos, simply by virtue of their proximity to you. You’ll be at the centre of attention for a change. Instead of being ignored or dismissed; instead of being treated as if you don’t really count. People will want to know what you think – ‘Well, what do you think about that, Stevie?’ they will ask you, waiting respectfully for your intelligent reply. If your name happens to be Stevie that is. You can fill that bit in for yourselves of course.
All that and more can be yours, my friends. All that and more. I was shopping for a new ego-robot – the old one had developed some rather unpleasant habits. It had actually become something of a liability and it was – I felt – time to broaden my horizons. Before things became too dark. Maybe I should purchase one of these new super-shiny spiritual egos that everyone seems to be talking about? They’re very popular with the chicks, so I have heard. Very popular with the birds. Selecting a top-of-the-range spiritual ego could be the best move you ever made. It’s a big initial outlay I know but then once your new spiritual ego is up and running all you’ll need to do is chill out like a boss and enjoy the trip. Pretty cool, if you ask me. Pretty damn cool…
I’m no good with choices, however. I’m too afraid of making it a mistake and walking away with the second-best option, you see. I wouldn’t be able to bear all that abuse and self-recrimination that comes with making a poor choice. I would never be able to live it down – I wouldn’t be able to endure the self-criticism. Selecting the top of the range ego. Making the perfect choice. Enjoying the admiration and respect of your peers – that sort of thing feels so good. Finer than even the very finest grade of cocaine. It’s the king of buzzes.
When you’re flying high and enjoying the respect and admiration of your peers that feels so very fine. Or at least I imagine it does. I’ve heard that this is the best anything can ever feel, this is how you know you’ve got it made and that’s what it’s all about in my book. This is what we should all be working towards. ‘Bankable kudos’ is what I call it, kudos that you can take away and put in the bank. Kudos that only exists in your fevered imagination. Kudos that you can earn interest on.
So, my friends – this is where it’s at, this is what it all comes down to. This is the deal. This is how things work in this world – it’s all about being the right type of idiot. The whole world loves a confident idiot, an idiot who never runs out of the right sort of bullshit to spout out and so why not be that idiot? It could be you. There’s nothing to say it couldn’t be you. It has to be somebody, after all…
