My strategies were exemplary, my strategies were at the very best. Nothing but the very best. ‘Look at my wonderful strategies,’ I cry out. ‘My wonderful, wonderful strategies’. What a pity they don’t work. They’re so elegant and refined, it’s such a shame. ‘Look at my strategies’, I cry out, ‘aren’t they good?’ The best you can get – I invented them myself! It’s a stroke of genius, I might go so far as to say. Pure inspiration – the essence of raw, undiluted futility. It gets right to the heart of things in the way that other futile strategies can’t. The sheer elegance and beauty of it. The splendour which no man may deny. That’s true, true splendour there – the splendour of ten thousand suns going supernova all at same time. Eyes cannot look at that splendour, my friends, eyes cannot look at it. It’s just too much for them. They’d drop right out of your head and roll around on the floor. Talk about impressive! Wow!‘ Discover the joys of being the Cosmic Creator’, the adverts say. You’ll be creating all day long, creating whether you want to or not. Impress your friends and strike fear into the hearts of your enemies. They’ll be out of their tiny minds with fear and amazement. You’re creating whether you want to or not, creating nine to the dozen, creating like a total maniac. Everything’s a strategy really, isn’t it? Even the lowliest of farts becomes a sneaky ruse. You can’t pick your nose without having a secret agenda on the go! And you can’t even remember what that agenda is – you haven’t a clue. You’d be baffled and confused if you had to think about it but you never do. None of us do. We’ve lost track of our own strategizing for sure; we no longer know what it is we’re trying to do and yet this doesn’t cramp our style in the slightest! No Sir it doesn’t – we are ‘out there’, we’re ‘doing the thing’ and it’s all good. We are doing the thing, and all is as it should be. ‘Glory where glory is due’, I always say. Kudos all around. Shout out your brainless enthusiasm as loudly as you can my friends! Go for it, really go for it! Go for it for all you’re worth – annoy your neighbours and upset your family. Disturb the peace and be a gobshite. When God created gobshites he created a lot of them you see – there’s safety in numbers, after all! There’s safety in numbers so nobody will know it’s you. You won’t know it’s you! You’re out there, really out there, and you’re doing the thing. Just like we’re all doing the thing. Don’t you feel the sheer pathos of that? That incredible, incredible pathos. It’s bringing tears to my eyes, I can tell you. Sharp, stinging tears, not the sloppy sentimental type. You’re out there doing it and that’s great. You’re trying to hit the spot – the sweet sweet spot. The sweetest spot there is. You’re trying to make everything be right. You trying to make everything be OK and who can blame you for that? You’re hemmed in by dark horizons though and the end is approaching very fast. It didn’t quite turn out the way you expected, did it? It never does though, it never does…