Yes Sir – the Enlightenment Moment! Yes sir, you can’t beat that! Nothing regular or generic about that – you can’t buy that baby off the shelf, I’m telling you! No way. That’s one thing you CAN’T get from Amazon. They don’t stock it. No bloody way, mate. No way at all! The top-quality Enlightenment Moment that you just can’t get enough of! I can’t get enough of it anyway – I’m always coming back for more. It’s simply unbeatable. Tell me something that can beat that, after all! You can’t top the Enlightenment Moment and that’s a well-known fact for sure. We all know that. They call him the human lemming because he keeps leaping to his doom. Because he keeps on leaping. Only not really. That wonderful moment that says so much about you; it’s a Personal Kudos Moment – one of many. Just lean back in your favourite armchair and enjoy. Savour it, imbibe deeply of the exotic flavour that says so much about you. Drive your neighbours mad with jealousy! ‘How does he do it?’ they’ll ask. ‘What’s his secret? How does he get away with it?’ Everyone will want to know you and so you’ll never be lonely again. You will never be lonely again and you will never be sad. You’ll never get that rotten uncomfortable feeling of unworthiness again, that feeling you hate so much. That feeling of being an impostor, of being some kind of phoney who’s going to get found out one day. Found out and exposed as a disgusting fraud. Shown up for the creep that you are. Humiliated. You can fix all that with what I like to call the Enlightenment Solution – the only solution you’ll never need. Everyone will want to know you because you won’t be a loser. The authorities will try to stop you, of course – the authorities always try to stop you. That’s what they’re there for, after all. Sin on a Saturday, repent on the Sunday – isn’t that what they say? Take mind-altering drugs. Alter your mind as much as possible. Try your hardest to get your mind to be different. Your ego is struggling to regain control. You’re screaming obscenities at the top of your voice, alternately pleading for mercy and yelling threats. You’re an abomination both to yourself and everyone else. But you’re better now. Full of the charm and confidence that comes with Personal Enlightenment – the product that keeps on giving. You reach over to the table and peel open a tin of pork luncheon meat. Immediately the rank smell of corruption fills the room. You stare in dumb horror at the contents. ‘That’s not pork luncheon meat, that’s Satan in a tin.’ you say. The sound of the door softly closing causes you to look up – your friends have all left, tiptoeing quietly away as you stared – fixated – by the horror that had been revealed within that tin. Your so-called ‘friends’ hadn’t been in any great hurry to share this moment with you, you realize sadly. But in your heart you can’t blame them…