They call him the Muffin Man on account of how he looks like a big fat muffin with tiny little blueberries for eyes. ‘Hey Muffin Man’, they call out cheekily, and then they move quickly on again, getting on with their business. That’s what we all have to do, isn’t it? Get on with our business? We can pause for a while but then it calls out to us go. ‘Don’t forget about me’, it says, ‘I’m still here you know. I’m not going anywhere…’ So then up we get again, going about our business, going about our business, always going about our business.

‘Keep it light and cheerful’, I reminded myself, as I strode purposefully into the office, ‘and make sure that you fend off any prying questions…’ That’s my motto these days you see – fend off any prying questions. The air was thick with them, needless to say. Prying questions, that is. I squared my shoulders and buttoned up my lips as I walked into the room – they were going to get nothing out of me, I resolved. I wasn’t going to give them a damn thing. I’ve always found it hard to fit into the workplace you see. I never seem to know how to say the right thing. ‘Pretend that you know what you’re doing’, I sometimes say to myself. ‘Act like you know where you’re going…’ But it never does me any good, however – I guess I’m just not that great at pretending.

That old voice never stops talking in my head – ‘pretend you know what you’re doing’, it advises me, over and over again. Every time I go to do something it’s the same thing – ‘pretend you know what you’re doing, pretend you know what you’re doing, pretend you know what you’re doing…’ Is it any wonder that I’m such a mess? People blame me for being the way that I am – they say that it’s my fault for being such a freak. ‘Hey freak’, they call out in their shrill accusing voices, ‘why are you such a freak?’

What sort of an answer can I give to that, do you think? What’s the appropriate response in such a situation? It’s not so easy when it’s you, is it? That’s the point I’d like to make. It’s not so bloody easy when it’s you. Of course I realize that it isn’t you – it’s me rather than you, and that’s why you get to sneer and laugh at me the way that you do. ‘Who’s the freak here anyway’, you ask, ‘who’s the one who can’t ever get anything right?’ ‘Hey freak boy’, my inner critic says, joining in, ‘why are you such an abnormal little bastard?’

The days go past so fast that I can barely keep track of them. Actually, I can’t keep track of them. They get away from me all the time. They get away from me every time, I mean. They get away from me every time. I try to keep my spirits up the best I can of course. ‘Good things are going to happen’, I say. ‘We’re going to a good place and so that’s good…’ Affirming statements are very affirming, I find. Positive statements are always very positive, in my experience…