Craving Big Salad

What does it mean to be living this life? By golly yes – that’s the question! By jingo that surely is the question.


Human beings, huh? What are we to make of them? With their huge domed heads and their ridiculous spindly arms? No, wait – that’s not human beings is it? That’s aliens.


Craving a Big Salad from your local diner? Why not try this? Try shoving a live electric catfish up your arse (‘live’, get it?) and see if that takes your mind off it. Chances are it will…


Each day follows the preceding day as if by some unspoken rule, as if by some tacitly agreed-upon convention, and we follow them as we must. We proceed from one day to the next gamely enough, and credit must be given to us for this. Where will it all end however? Is it true that our egos will either go to heaven or hell, or is that just a story told to us by the Puppet-Masters? Is past life regression true?


The Distracto-gen – a uniquely human experiment that was designed to fail. It fails every time but that’s all part of the plan. We freely agreed to worship the Lord of Illusion, through no fault of our own, and we pledged to believe all of his lies, of which there are many. In return, the Lord of Illusion promised to save us from all evil things, and give us lots of treasure.


I have grown very tired from all foodstuffs and I yearn for something different, something fresh and exciting. I need a change, in other words – I have grown so very tired of mutton bone soup with toasted grizzards and fried polyps and reconstituted protein pellets. Pickled eels no longer excite me, and neither does broiled catfish served on a bed of crispy halibut skin. I have no more appetite for delicacies such as fermented sardines on a bed of straw, or freshly caught plague rats in a casserole. There’s got to be something new out there, I tell myself, something exotic, something I have never heard of before. There’s got to be something that will restore my lust for life.


I’m a jaded old thing, you see. I have tiny watery eyes set deep in a grey wrinkly old face and I have great yellow tusks that curl out of my ears. I sleep in a vat of slime and I’m covered in giant sentient scabs. There used to be a time when what life had to offer still meant something to me but that was a long, long time ago now. These days existence merely irritates me – I’m stuck in a rut and there’s no more satisfaction in anything anymore.


One thing they never teach you at school is the phenomenon known to many as ‘Phantom Fulfilment World’. Why that is I don’t know – the educational system has always been under a cloud of suspicion as far as I’m concerned. Who controls it and why? Certainly they ought to warn us about the Phantom Fulfilment World – this is a very grave omission indeed. It’s almost as if they deliberately didn’t tell us about it just out of spite – because it suits their purposes for us to fall into the trap.


It seems like such a great thing at first of course – as soon as you can conceive of something then – in your head – it comes true! Desires you never knew you had are mysteriously and instantaneously fulfilled (in a purely mental way) and you’re having the best time imaginable. You are in a state of rapture. Then the bad thoughts come and you are at their mercy – you’re inventing lot and lots of evil realities for yourself to live in and you can’t stop it. You don’t know how to stop it…








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