Snowflake Soldiers

‘The Distracto-Gen,’ blared the voice on the radio amidst the cacophony of martial music, ‘Weapon of the future! No longer will we have to fear our enemies…’


How great that would be, we all thought. How great it would be no longer to have to fear our enemies – our great and terrible enemies. Our savage and ruthless enemies, our cruel and clever enemies. A great resounding cry went up from all those assembled – ‘No longer will we have to fear our enemies!” The cheers were deafening.


Our enemies wear our own faces, that’s how clever they are! They wear our own faces and they ape our ways, hoping thereby to confuse us. They speak just like we do; they say the very same things – even their jokes are the same. If we didn’t know better we’d think they were us. If we didn’t know better, they’d fool us every time…


‘The Distracto-Gen,’ blared the voice on the radio, ‘the ultimate weapon of mass distraction’. All those assembled clapped their hands and cheered loudly. We were a pitiful bunch – narcissists and snowflakes to a man, to a woman. We had already been subjected to many lesser weapons of mass destruction and the results were clear for all to see. It was no wonder we were losing the war so badly.


We were being soundly beaten at every single engagement – our snowflake troops were dropping like flies even before the enemy launched his attack. Our snowflake soldiers were dropping like flies in anticipation of the attack, which often didn’t come at all. Whole battalions were wiped out with no effort at all on the part of the enemy. Every engagement was a disaster, every battle was a rout. Morale amongst our narcissist troops was at an all-time low.


We were being badly beaten on all sides by our foes but we were also winning – our boys were fighting hard, when they weren’t taking selfies. We were losing the war and yet we were winning it; we had been crushed in battle and yet we were the victors. The glory was ours – we had invented the Distracto-Gen, the ultimate super-weapon of the future. Bemused and befuddled, the enemy were running away screaming in all directions. We had unleashed the dogs of war and now we had to do was sit back and watch them do their work.


Giant fluorescent poodles with the heads of income tax inspectors stalked the streets, striking terror into the hearts of all who beheld them. Jack Russells with the heads of savage crocodiles darted this way and that amongst the crowd, sowing confusion, nipping the ankles of the enemy, ripping great holes in their trousers… Dachshunds with the faces of laughing demons wove their way between the legs of the foot-soldiers, laughing with glee, full of the joy of battle. Battalions of long extinct Talbot Hounds barked and barked with gruesome irrepressible excitement; they howled with savage exaltation once again as they gathered in impossible numbers on the horizon….


And that was only the beginning of it! That was nothing but a mere foretaste – a mere foretaste of horrors yet to come. The Distracto-Gen was humming and throbbing in the background and all who heard it trembled with fear; all who heard it shook with terror. ‘Our scientists have invented the Distracto-Gen!’ roared the triumphant voice on the radio, but we knew it was all lies. Everything was all lies. Truth itself was a lie at this stage…







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