There has been an awful lot of talk of substance ‘R’ in recent months and there have also been – as usual – lots and lots of horror stories running on social media. The media loves horror stories, as we know. So do the authorities of course – that makes it all easier to bring in draconian measures. Show me a central authority that won’t jump at the chance of bringing in draconian measures, right? Those boys love it – they don’t love anything more than they love that. I reckon it’s sexually exciting for them, something like that. Something sick. That’s how they get their jollies. It’s power, isn’t it? The drug of power – for those deeply fucked-up individuals who need it so bad.
Anyway, I made my mind up to try it as soon as I could. Substance ‘R’, that is – not power. Power is for assholes, as we all know. It’s an adornment for assholes – assholes always need adorning, after all. Wouldn’t you say? You need as much adorning as you can get when you’re an asshole. Anyway I was determined to score myself some substance ‘R’ and that didn’t prove to be easy – none of my regular dealers could get their hands on it. They tried to fob me off with other shit but I wasn’t having any of it. They were afraid to get caught with this most illicit of substances of course; the penalty for possessing it being years and years in a correctional facility, never mind actually supplying the stuff! You’d be crucified for that. ‘This man was caught dealing substance ‘R’, your honour. Need I say more? He was found trying to sell it to kids in the school playground, in broad daylight. No punishment is too severe for him, your honour. We ask that he receive a penalty that is befitting his crime. We ask that he feel the full weight of the law, right where it hurts…’
The judge doesn’t need much encouragement anyway. You can see that straightaway. He looks like he’d personally love to throttle you to death. He would do if he could get away with it. After gouging your eyes out with his bare hands, that is. He’s practically having a fit just looking at you. You’re not feeling the love from that direction and that’s a fact. Of course, this is just pure fantasy on my part. I’m just letting my imagination run away with me. So as I’ve just said, I was having a hard time even meeting someone who had themselves tried substance ‘R’. No one knew anything, or if they did then they weren’t admitting it. Anyway – to get back to the point of my little story – eventually I made a connection. You know how it is – if you want something badly enough then eventually you will always make the connection. I eventually found myself scoring a little paper wrap off a shady-looking geezer in a dark alley in bad part of town. It has to be a shady-looking geezer in a dark alley in a bad part of town, doesn’t it? It wouldn’t be the same otherwise.
It actually turned out to be the proper stuff, surprisingly enough. No question about that. There was a problem though, a problem I very quickly found out about. It was cut with something, something toxic. There was always this thing about acid when I was younger – people always came out with the informed opinion that the current crop of street acid was ‘cut with strychnine’. Folk never tired of saying this, and with the greatest authority, too. This always got to me – why the hell would anyone in their right mind cut anything with strychnine? That’s a poison, for God’s sake. Why would you do that? You could use glucose powder or Mannitol. Anyway, that’s what they used to say. Why – I don’t know. Be that as it may, however – this gear was cut with a toxin. I got a buzz alright but it was a bad buzz. It was the ultimate bad buzz. They say that substance ‘R’ gives you a wicked trip but in this case it turned out to be literally true. After feeling that I had been stuck in a supercharged psychedelic spin-dryer for several eternities, I eventually passed out and when I came to after an indeterminate length of time I found that I had been reborn as a human being on the planet Earth, subject to the appalling indignities that are inherent in this squalid and deeply degraded form of existence. I had to spend many, many lifetimes there, and it was no fun, I can tell you. I can tell you that for nothing. It was no fun at all…