Expressing Your Appreciation To The Hostess

You know that thing where you promise to start anew and never do the bad things that you used to do any more and you mean it with all your heart and you’re so glad to put your old ways behind you and yet at the same time you know that you don’t really mean it at all? Boy oh boy that’s rotten one isn’t it? What a stinker! What a big old stinker.


Life’s full of stinkers like that isn’t it? Dear me yes it is. Dear me yes it surely is. I’m transforming my human form as I write these words, believe it or not. I say ‘believe it or not’ because I know that you don’t believe it of course. No one ever does. I would hardly expect you to. I would hardly expect, I would hardly expect.


I’m transmuting myself you see; I am transmuting myself from one energetic level to another. I am transmuting myself from being an idiot into being an even bigger idiot; I am transmuting myself from a dumb fool into an even dumber fool. It’s an arcane process and I don’t expect anyone to understand it. I don’t understand it myself – all I know is how to do it. It’s like I’m some kind of idiot-savant, you could say. You promise and you promise, you promise and you promise and you promise. You keep on promising. You keep on promising and that’s the way of it.


That’s the way of it, that’s the way of it. I love saying ‘that’s the way of it’. I love to feel that I am saying something profound – everyone wants to say something profound! We all do, we all do, and me more than most. It’s such an exquisite irony isn’t it – it matters so very much to us that we should be saying profound things, uttering weighty and pertinent words, and yet we helplessly spew lame-brain nonsense all day long! What a fantastic irony. We would love to be saying profound stuff so much, so much; that would help us feel good about ourselves so much, and yet everything we come out with is transparently superficial. When we try to be wise we are even more transparently superficial than ever, of course. Isn’t that always the way?


The logic of what we’re saying here is obvious, anyway – give up trying to pretend that you have the capacity to say something that is actually deep! Give it up, give it up. It’s not going to work; it’s never going to work. The thing to do is to live within your means – don’t spend beyond your budget. Don’t strain yourself trying to lay an egg that isn’t there. An unreal egg, an imaginary egg, an egg of the imagination. Don’t give yourselves haemorrhoids on that account! Don’t bust a blood vessel. What divine modesty, after all; what divine modesty to be the superficial idiot that you truly are! What a blessing, what a gift – if only we could, if only we could. How sweet that would be, don’t you think – to be as superficial as bedamned and at the same time not strain to be otherwise.


Human transmutation is a wonderful thing, don’t you think? Human transmutation, human transmutation. Multidimensional transformation. The internet is full of it. The weight of my ego is truly insupportable – it truly is, it truly is. It’s like having a head that is huge and ungainly and which your neck is too puny to support. It’s very much like that. Your head flops helplessly to one side – you have to drag it along with you wherever you go. Cruel humiliation comes your way every day because people can immediately see what a ridiculously overinflated ego you’re sporting. It’s like a horrible sore in your face, a sore that’s threatening to burst at any moment. The humiliation is immense and unrelenting, it’s my daily diet.


The weight of human transformation, the weight of human transformation. We’d all like to lay an egg, and not just any egg either but a golden egg. To drop it discreetly into the next conversation that you might be having. Wherever or whenever that might be. Just hanging about there on the outskirts of the conversation, barely making your presence felt, nodding politely at the points the other people are making. Nodding politely, nodding politely. Just kind of hovering there at the outskirts of the conversation, not really making yourself known, and then when the moment is exactly right you drop in your egg.


We all like to lay a golden egg of course so let’s not waste any time arguing about that. Let’s not be afraid to admit it. We’re hungry ghosts at the dinner party, busy making small talk. ‘Hungry ghosts of the dinner party’ – that’s a good one, isn’t it? Browsing contentedly through the finger food, expressing our appreciation to the hostess, complimenting her on a well-organised little soirée, complimenting her on the delightful finger food – the delicious tasteful finger food that you are enjoying so very much. Only you’re not enjoying it, are you? You’re not enjoying it at all….









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