The temptation to allow myself to gently dissolve back into the Unreal Existence and lose myself in the comfort of my beloved (whilst at the same time greatly despised) routines became too much for me and I gave into it, just as I always do. I gave into it the same as I always give in to it. I don’t wish to give the impression that I ‘battled nobly against the temptation’ either because I didn’t. Again, I never do. I just don’t have it in me to do that. For me, temptation is pretty much the same thing as ‘giving in’ – to be tempted is to succumb as far as I’m concerned, and I promise you that I don’t particularly enjoy saying this. There is no kudos involved in me saying this, obviously! No kudos can be derived from this situation, no matter how hard one tries, and I ought to know because I have tried very hard indeed! I have tried mining kudos when there is none to be mined. But is non-existence that bad, I hear you ask? Surely it can’t be dismissed out of hand in such an abrupt and cavalier fashion? Millions swear by it, after all. Fatuous arguments, some might object, but can we be sure? Probably we can be sure, I agree, but even so – can we be sure that we can be sure?
I have this habit, as I go about my daily business, of making up stupid little nonsense songs. I don’t always do this mind you, only on those rare occasions when I am feeling a little bit elated. I then sing these songs, over and over again, as I do whatever it is that I’m doing. I’m not saying that this is a good thing of course – I am merely noting that is it is what I do, and no one can really meaningfully contradict me on this. They might be stupid songs, and it may not be a good thing that I have this habit of making them up and singing them in the way that I do, but it remains a fact that this is what I actually do do, so there’s no need (or indeed any point) in quibbling over this. This is been a habit of mine for many years and it has never really caused any problems for me – until the other day. ‘Is it possible that something can be evil, and yet at the same time not be evil?’ you ask me, unable to contain yourself any longer, unable to hold back from asking this all-important question. I gesture to you to be silent whilst I continue my story. I will come back to that later. Or then again, perhaps I won’t. It doesn’t really matter either way.
So what happened the other day that I made up this little song, much as I always do, and went about the house singing it at the top of my voice, only this time it did create problems for me – serious problems, as it happened. The song in question went like this:
“Shitting in the morning / shitting in the night / Shitting because you are happy / shitting because you had a terrible fright…”
So I went around the place singing this song and before very long, to my utter horror, I realised that I had inadvertently triggered memories of the Fear World. You are probably nodding wisely to each other at this point. ‘Yes, yes, yes – that can happen,’ you are probably saying to each other as you nod. Well, it did happen. It absolutely did happen and once it had happened then there was no turning back. There was no putting the cat back in the bag. There never is, of course. I remembered the Fear World and at the same time as remembering it, I knew in a cruel flush of awareness that I had never left it. I knew beyond any doubt that I had never left it, and that I never would…