Is My Mind My Enemy?

Things are never as good as I think they’re going to be in my head. Never as good. Never as good. Always a disappointment. My whole life is a disappointment – it just never worked out for me, do you know that? It never worked out. Well, what must that feel like, I imagine people asking me. They don’t really ask me but I imagine that they do. That must be pretty shit, they say. That’s a pisser for sure when your life doesn’t work out for you – when it comes as a total disappointment. I mean – that’s gotta hurt, right? If your life did work out for you then you’d be feeling pretty cool I‘d say. You’d be on the pig’s back. I don’t know anything about that though and I guess I never will. Not at this stage. Things have gone too far. They’ve gone further than I’d like to admit – in a bad direction. I just can’t ever feel okay about that this and I can’t see how anyone ever could. Some things you just can’t let go of, wouldn’t you say? Some things you just can’t ever let go of. Ever. Your life not working out for you is probably got to be one of them I’d say – I mean how could anyone move on from that? That’s not something you can make your peace with really is it? Do you know what I mean – are you ever going to say yes okay, I screwed my life up by being a total twat, but that’s okay’? My life never worked out for me, but no worries. That’s cool. I think you can see where I’m coming from. ‘Is your mind your enemy?’ I hear you ask, ‘could that be it, perhaps?’ Well, that’s a good question. It’s a very good question. ‘Is my mind my enemy?’ That’s good question for sure but a better one would be ‘Is my mind a complete fucking bastard?‘ I suppose the thing is that in my head I always imagined that life should be something different to what it actually is. I’ve always had my own idea about what life should be, in other words. That sounds kind of stupid I know! Actually, now that I come to say it out loud, I realise that it’s not just ‘kind of stupid’ – it’s insanely stupid. It’s a kind of stupidity that’s actually quite frightening when you see it. Awareness is a frightening thing, I’ve come to realize. It can show us some very horrible things. There’s no limit to the terrible things it can show us. I don’t blame the game-players with their slick clothes and slick hairdos and confident patter for running away from the truth! I don’t blame them at all – I’d do the same thing myself if I could. I can’t, though. I’m not able to. My mind is feeding me false information. My mind has always been feeding me false information – it’s been doing this right from the word ‘GO’. My mind made me do it, you see – my mind gave me the wrong information; my mind gave me the wrong expectations about life and I believed it. I’m trapped in this bubble. I’m trapped in this trap. Things are never as good as I think they’re going to be. Never as good. Never as good. Never as good. When I wrote this I thought ‘This is going to be really great, this is going to be really neat’. But now that I’ve written that I can see that it isn’t. It’s not particularly great at all. It’s a bit of a let down. But then I wonder, what did I think it was going to be like? What was the idea I had for it? Did that idea even make sense? Or was it just more false information fed to me by my mind?

 

 

 

 

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