Everyone Loves A Robot

People invariably respond favourably to confidence, don’t they? It’s the magic ingredient, it’s what everyone wants. They love confidence wherever they come across it and that’s why everyone loves a robot. A friend of mine used to joke ‘everyone loves a Scotsman’ meaning that you could get away with stuff on account of being Scottish and I suppose there is possibly some truth in this, but it has occurred to me more than once – very strongly – that everyone loves a robot. That phrase just came into my head one day and it stuck like glue, it stuck like someone’s leftover chewing gum on your trainers. Everyone loves a bloody robot and the reason they do is because robots are always so bloody confident. They always know what they’re doing – they don’t dither about, they don’t question themselves. They don’t agonise over whether their perspective on the matter is the correct one, they just bloody get on with it. You got to admire that, haven’t you? Well actually, you don’t. I don’t anyway. What’s to admire – of course they are so bloody confident, they’re bloody robots for God’s sake! They’re confident because they trust their data and they trust their data because that’s how they work. That’s how robots work – they make their decisions on the basis of the logic that’s written into their brains so of course there’s no indecisiveness in them. I suppose I’m jealous really. I’m bitter. I don’t think I’ve ever had any credibility as a person – even as a child I was like that. Kind of unsure of myself, not quite sure if what I was saying was right, not quite sure if I was right. So no one paid any attention to me, naturally enough. They kind of tuned out when I said something. People still tune out. It’s been that way all of my life. I mean if other people can see that I don’t really trust one hundred percent that I know what I’m saying, that I don’t really ‘believe in myself’ (God I hate that phrase), then why should they? You become a non-person living in the twilight zone. You become the invisible man. Confidence is the magic ingredient all right and it doesn’t matter what you are confident about. Who gives a damn, right? Who gives a fuck? Nobody cares because that isn’t the point. It never was the point. So my whole life I have been witness to this bizarre phenomenon where people run around mouthing off all sorts of shyte and everyone just hangs off their every word because they’re so bloody confident, because they – the mouthers, the yappers – have such absolute trust in what they’re saying. Women in particular love it – I’ve noticed that. Is it any wonder that I’m so fucking bitter? It’s because I’ve noticed that all you need to do to get on in life is to talk total shyte and believe it absolutely, never question yourself and never think ‘Oh – isn’t it strange that I am coming out with all this dumb garbage the whole time and yet I never have a single moment of doubt about it? Isn’t that just so fucking strange?‘ That’s THE ONE THING you must never think, you see. If you DON’T have that thought then you have it made. Simple isn’t it? What’s not to get?




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