The Terrible Moment

So it has finally happened! Could it ever happen, I asked myself. Would it ever happen? Should it? I’m living on the edge here but the edge has long since gone. I can’t even remember what the edge looks like, what it smells like. The edge is a blank concept to me. It has has long since receded into the infinite distance leaving me high and dry, leaving me here in this godforsaken place, counting off the weary hours until the long day finally passes and then I get to do the same thing all over again. The show must go on, I realize, even though it’s not much of a show, not much of a show. It’s a pretty poor show actually I have to admit but it still has to go on! It always has to go on, it doesn’t matter how poor it is. “Why?” you ask, “What’s the logic there for heaven’s sake? What kind of cock-eyed logic do you call that?” “Do enlighten us on that score”, you say. “Illuminate us as to the reason behind your statements – why does the very poor show have to go on?” You’re taking the piss, of course. You’re taking the piss big time. It’s all part of the ritual humiliation. Everything’s always part of the ritual humiliation (which is my life). The mockery is an important part of it you see; it wouldn’t be the same without the old mockery. So it has finally happened – my life has finally become converted into pure garbage. That was always on the cards of course; it was only ever a matter of time. Only ever a matter of time. The last few tattered shreds of camouflage have been removed, leaving the grim truth unveiled. ‘Bring back the veil’, I want to scream as I chase after the tattered shreds. They blow away in the wind, disappearing on the horizon, and I run after them screaming. The truth is at last revealed and what a truth it is! Is there anyone who can gaze upon a truth such as this and yet remain sane, I ask myself? (I am very fond of asking myself questions, as you can see.) The truth is of course that we never were sane! Far from sane it was we were. Just about as far as it is possible to be. You can’t go any further. We look upon that hideous wasteland of pestilential rubbish which is the only world we know and we think it fair. We contrive to make something of it, we contrive to make sense of it, we contrive to see fair what is most monstrously foul and therein lies our skill, therein lies our genius. My head is full of riddles but I know all the answers already. I’ve always known all the answers to these terrible riddles. There was never a time when I didn’t know, if the truth were to be known. I’ve known the answers but I’ve been postponing the day of reckoning – I’ve been pushing it out as far as I can! I’ve been playing a delaying game and I’ve been calling that delaying game ‘my life’. I’ve been putting off the moment, that terrible terrible moment. I’ve been postponing the moment when I would at least have to admit to myself that I knew the answer all along and now that moment is here. Somehow I never believed it could actually happen  – and yet at the same time I always knew it would!






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