My next monologue was to start off ‘I was dead in the head but I never knew it’ but no sooner had I come up with this opening gambit than a wave of unbearable anguish swept over me and all words were choked off within me – all I could do was rock to and fro slowly, trying to bring myself back from the precipice. Trying to coax myself back. This was too close to the bone by a long chalk. How do you make your peace with this I wondered, how could this ever be made OK? I had been dead in the head alright and there could be no doubt there. I had thought myself to be alive and all the rest of it (whatever ‘all the rest of it’ might entail and your guess is as good as mine on that score) but that was only because I didn’t know any better. I really didn’t know any better I really really didn’t! If there is one thing that I am sure about it is this – all I had to go on was what I had to go on and looking back I don’t really know what that was. Why don’t I know what that was? Simply because it wasn’t anything – it wasn’t a damn thing. What I thought was reality wasn’t reality at all and if it wasn’t reality then just what the hell was it? That’s the question you see – that’s the question I am forced to contend with. Well if it wasn’t reality then it must have been something else says you, quick as a flash. It must have been something else so get thinking and maybe you can figure out just what the hell it was. Out your thinking cap on and give it a go. Take the initiative. At least then you might just start to see where you went wrong. Perhaps you might even be able to fix it? Who knows? It’s better that just sitting there whining about it wouldn’t you say? That’s a good answer and I’d have to thank you for it if it wasn’t so frighteningly stupid. I’d have to shake you by the hand. People are so great when they try to help aren’t they? That truly is a really inspiring side of people when they take it upon themselves to offer good advice albeit good advice that is guaranteed to be flatly senseless. Don’t listen to what the words actually mean just try to focus on the fact that they are trying to help you and see if you can manage to feel grateful for that because I sure as hell can’t. How to cure feelings of worthlessness they say well that sounds like a good one they know what they’re talking about there for sure those guys I can tell so let’s get straight to work fixing that shameful feeling of worthlessness let’s fix it up so it can be all shiny and nice shiny and nice shiny and nice shiny and nice let’s fix up a fine feeling of wonderful worthwhile worthfulness for that poor crappy dilapidated old ego-construct of yours wouldn’t you like to have a nice shiny bouncy confident one instead so that you could then proudly take your place within the ranks of the assembled gobshytes and fuckwits who call themselves fully functioning human beings partaking as all right-thinking men and women are meant to in the Great and Glorious Global Trashfeed we call society.
Art: Philistines by Jean-Michelle Basquiat