I was hunting for kudos high and low. I was desperate. I was hungry for kudos – so, so hungry. How can I convey my terrible hunger to you? It defines everything about me; it defines my existence – it defines my actions, my thoughts, my dreams, my values, my aspirations. Hunger defines all…
I’m hungry for kudos because I have none, obviously. That’s so obvious that I don’t really need to come out with it! The fact that I am so very hungry for kudos says a lot about me. As I have just indicated, that says everything about me. What more needs to be said? I am defined by my total lack of kudos, whatever that means. What exactly does it mean to have zero kudos, you might ask. If you happen to be of a curious disposition, that is. What sort of a psychological state are we talking about here, you might wonder? This is where my curiosity fails me however – all have to say on the subject is that it is a psychological state that totally stinks. It has nothing going for it at all, and that’s just about all I can say on the subject. It’s rubbish. It’s a thoroughly worthless state of being…
Having zero kudos is itself a stigmatizing condition. To have no kudos has no kudos (in short, it looks bad) and so when people see that you have no kudos this reduces your kudos even further you end up with less kudos than you started off with. If that makes any sense to you. Which it does to me, anyway. What happens in practice is that low level of kudos starts feeding on itself so that you end up with negative kudos, and that’s where the fun really starts, if you follow my drift. I’m speaking ironically here, as no doubt you are aware.
The ‘fun’ that I’m speaking of here arises as a result of the counterproductive and dysfunctional ‘kudos-seeking’ behaviour which – when it is not sufficiently disguised – becomes in itself a repellent factor that guarantees not just that no kudos will ever come your way but also that the painfully low level of kudos that you already have will be severely diminished. The much-needed and sorely missed ‘kudos factor’ becomes at this stage little more than a pipe dream. The point that follows on from this is somewhat philosophical in nature but I feel that I have to pursue it nonetheless – is it possible to miss something that you have never had? How after all do you know that you are missing it if you have never had it in the first place? Maybe you are actually missing something else? Or – what is more likely – maybe you are missing something that doesn’t actually exist because you don’t really have a clue as to what you are supposed to be missing?
This leads into some pretty strange places. The point that I am making here is that what you are missing isn’t kudos at all but – rather – some sort of bizarre, freakishly inappropriate idea of what you laughably think kudos should be. So you miss this idea of what you wrongly think kudos is and feel very bad about not having it, even though the damn thing you are missing doesn’t exist in the first and – what’s more – never could do. Not in any universe. Not ever.
And anyway even if your totally whacko-version of what you think kudos is did exist and you – by some sort of surreal fluke – actually managed to acquire some of it, what possible good would that do you? You’d be a real freak then and no mistake! You’d even be a freak to other freaks. The regular freaks would shun you. They would be violently repelled by you, as if by some sort of unspeakable horror. In short, you would become an out-and-out abomination.
These are the typical thoughts of someone who has negative kudos. Repellent as it may be to you to be acquainted with them. These are my thoughts, recorded here for posterity in this digital medium. Reproduced faithfully on the screen of whatever device you might happen to be using, for your possible edification. And actually – now that I come to think of it – this is a perfect illustration in itself of my dysfunctional attempts to make kudos out of my painful lack of kudos when really this just isn’t going to work. This is my trick, you see; this is my ‘secret weapon’. I am trying to convert negative kudos into positive kudos by putting a spin on it. The only thing is however that it doesn’t actually work so what I’m really doing is converting negative kudos into even more negative kudos. In more simple language, you could just say that I’m busy digging a very deep hole for myself!