Bad Place

I am in a bad place. A bad, bad place. People say that all the time, don’t they? They say it so easily. It trickles off the tongue. Oh I’m in a bad place. Oh no man I’m in a bad place. Something happened and it wasn’t cool. The bad thing happened that wasn’t good. That wasn’t good at all. The bad thing happened and it wasn’t cool. I’m back in that place again, the place I keep coming back to. You know that place. Or maybe you don’t. Probably you don’t – I’m not very good at communicating really am I. I expect everyone to just know, as if they’re telepathic or something. But you can’t know – nobody can know. The place I’m in sucks. It sucks like a vacuum. It is a vacuum – it’s a vacuum of anything meaningful, anything good. The bad place I’m sucks so much – it sucks so much that it sucks everything out of you. It sucks and it sucks. It’s a kind of sterile environment that I have made for myself – only it isn’t really an environment it’s me. It’s only me, that’s all. I’m having to confront myself and it isn’t pretty. It’s not a pretty sight – it’s a skeletal reality with no light, no warmth, no sustenance in it. There’s nothing but the ever-present suction of the hollow bare emptiness. It’s a bare-bones environment – every last little bit of flesh has been gnawed away by the great hunger that rules here. There’s nothing left here, just the terrible bleak hollowness that never stops sucking. I suppose you could say that what I’m talking about is a type of loneliness really. There’s nothing and no one here you see. Even I’m not here – there’s just the bare bones of it, the bare bones of me, the bare bones of what used to be me but which is now just an abyss of aching hunger. A type of hunger that has devoured even itself. Which has gnawed away every last bit of flesh leaving only this appalling vacuum behind – a vacuum that is trying to feed on itself but can’t because there’s nothing left. But like I said it’s actually just an extreme type of loneliness. An unbearable type of loneliness. Infinite loneliness. It’s actually a horrific type of pain and that pain is all that there is. There’s nothing else. The only way to bear it is to keep on distracting yourself with games. Empty, hollow, sterile horrible mind-games that you have to keep throwing yourself into. I used to be able to distract myself but there’s nothing left to do it with – the games don’t work anymore and so it’s just me and the pain of the loneliness. Which I can no longer avoid; which I now have to confront on a full-time basis. Like I say, I’m in a bad place…

 

 

 

 

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