“How do I know that the bad stuff isn’t going to come and stick to me?” This is the question I can never move on from. This is the question no one can answer for me. Of course no one can answer it for me! How can I expect them to? And yet, unless I can get an answer to this question, I know that I am never going to be able to find peace. I can’t find any peace just so long as I know that the bad stuff is out there and that it may come my way, and then stick to me. I am tormented by this knowledge.
It’s out there, of that there can be no doubt. We all know that the bad stuff is out there – maybe we’ll come across it and maybe we won’t but it’s out there alright. But when we do come across it, what’s to stop it sticking to us? It could very easily do just this. That’s what the bad stuff does after all – it loves to do that. It loves sticking to people, if it can find someone susceptible to that – something with the right type of weakness, the type of weakness that suits it. That’s the curious thing about the bad stuff – some people are totally immune to it, it’s as if the bad stuff just can’t stick to them, it’s as if it just can’t see them. Other people, however, it sticks to like glue. It sniffs them out from a crowd – it finds them every time…
I’m the kind of person bad stuff sticks to. I’m just that type of person – the unlucky type. If it sees me coming it’ll come right at me and then it will stick fast. It’ll stick so damn fast that there’ll be no getting rid of it, not ever. It’ll stick fast to me like a limpet. It’ll suck on to me. Then that’ll be it – I’ll be saddled with it for good. I’ll be defined by it. Me stuck with the bad stuff forever. Me defined in terms of the bad thing that happened to me. Why after all would it ever unstick itself, having got itself stuck on in the first place? Why would bad luck ever unhappen to someone when it’s so very prone to happening in the first place? Answer me that, if you can.
The problem is I’m just not a lucky guy, not even on the odd occasion. I know very well that I’m not and you couldn’t convince me otherwise. That the bad stuff would sniff me out, I can understand. That having found me, and got itself stuck to me, it would somehow just unstick itself again and go off on its merry way again I find highly implausible. Why the hell would it do that? That’s more than just a little bit hopeful, isn’t it? That doesn’t sound like a very reasonable way to be thinking to me. I’d have to be very lucky indeed for that to happen and as I’ve said, I’m not. I’m not even a bit lucky.
Given the fact that I’m here and given the fact that the bad stuff is out there, and given the fact that I’m so unlucky, the chances are that sooner or later it’s going to find me out and stick to me. That’s pretty much on the table. I can see it happening. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if it were to happen. What I can’t understand is how I am supposed to carry on with that hanging over me. It ruins everything.
You may say that this is one thing that no one can know. You may say that the answer to the question that’s bothering me is that I just can’t know one way or another. The point is however (the point that I’m trying so hard to get across to you) is that this answer just isn’t any good to me at all…