The Thrill Of It All

choice12

I was doing something I do rather a lot – I was hyping it up. I was talking things up so that it felt like there was something really great that was about to happen. “It’s going to happen real soon,” I said to myself, “and it’s going to be so fantastic! It’s going to be so great!!” I could hardly wait. The tension, that electric sense of expectation, of excitement, was nearly unbearable. I was practically hopping about the place with glee. “It’s going to be so great! It’s going to be so great! It’s going to be so great!” I kept on telling myself, beside myself with the thrill of it all. I went on hyping it up, hyping it up, hyping it up in every way I could. Building it up and up for myself. And I was good at this game, if I say so myself – plenty good…

 

How would I feel when the great thing finally happened, I wondered? What would it be like? How good would it be? Then I answered my own question – “It’s going to feel so good! It’s going to feel super bloody fantastic!” I was really working myself up into a fever pitch at this stage. I was stretched as tight as a drum. I felt like bursting. “This is so amazing!!!” I said to no one in particular. I almost felt sick – only it was the good kind of sick. The best kind of sick…

 

And the next thing was of course that it never happened. It never does. The let down was indescribable – indescribably awful. It was horrendous. The shittiest comedown ever. Atrocious. I couldn’t even begin to explain it to you. I still felt sick, only of course it was a bad kind of sick now. The very worst kind. I didn’t know where to turn, what to do. I felt like I’d like to hurt someone, to blame someone, to REALLY take it out on someone. Make them feel as bad as I did. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t take it out on anybody else because there was nobody else there! There’s no one else in this universe. Only me. Just me. It’s my own private universe, you see…

 

 

 

 

 

 

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