The pest is yet to come. Did you ever hear that phrase before my friends? The pest is yet to come, the pest is yet to come..

So don’t you worry none on that score, don’t you worry at all. Sit back and relax; sit back and relax because the pest is yet to come.

Happy thoughts are happening in my head. Happy, happy thoughts. Happy thoughts about the happy things. Has that ever happened to you, my friend – did you ever think happy thoughts about the happy things?

That’s just a didactic device, of course. I know very well that you have had happy thoughts about the happy things. We all have, we all have. Aah the happy, happy things! Why would anyone ever want to think about anything else, that’s what I want to know? Why would they, why would they?

Why would anyone ever want to think about the not-happy things, the sad things, the rotten old things? That doesn’t seem very smart to me. No sir it doesn’t. No sir that doesn’t seem very smart at all.

Why would you ever, why would you ever. Why would you ever think about the sad old things, the nasty old frightening things, the bad things. What are you – stupid? It’s kind of like we need our heads examining, isn’t it my friends? Kind of like that. What’s wrong with that old head of yours? What’s wrong with it? Bring it over here so I can have a look at it.

Dear me yes, dear me yes. There’s a problem there for sure. A nasty old problem that is making you think about the bad things and not the good things. A bad problem that’s making you think the bad thoughts. Who would want to think about the bad old things after all? As I have just said about a million times. Definitely a bad problem, definitely a bad problem. You’ve come to the right man and no mistake. Just bend over a little bit more and let me have a closer look.

‘What a troublesome head, what a troublesome head’, I murmur to myself as I make my examination. You’d almost be tempted to chop it right off, wouldn’t you? Lop the damn thing clean off. Lop, lop, lop and that’s the end of that! Only we can’t really do that can we? No of course we can’t. Of course we can’t – that’s just my little joke.

What I’ll do instead is to sell you my book and then you can go away and read it. After paying me my fee of course. You can go away and read it and who knows – you might even learn something! Who knows, who knows. I most certainly don’t…

My book is all about not thinking the bad thoughts, of course. It’s telling people about why they should never think the bad thoughts, the not-so-happy thoughts. The science behind it. The science behind why you should never think the bad thoughts. It’s evidence-based you see. That’s the whole point that I’m trying to make here. It’s based on lots and lots of evidence about how bad it is to think bad thoughts. We’ve got the evidence coming out of our ears at this stage. Turn over a stone and there it is!

Not only is it evidence-based (in the best possible way) it’s best practice too. Best practice, best practice. Evidence-based, evidence-based. Never think the bad thoughts. Never think the bad thoughts. Never, never, never think the bad thoughts. Dear me no. Evidence-based, evidence-based. Yes, yes, yes. Never think the bad thoughts because it’s bad to think the bad thoughts.

You’d imagine people would know that wouldn’t you? You’d imagine people would see that. You imagine they would, you’d imagine they would. You’d wonder what was wrong with them that they don’t see it, wouldn’t you? You’d be scratching your head over that one, that’s for sure!