Do you know that thing where you’re trying your hardest to be real but you don’t know what ‘real’ means? That is a moment of horror my friends – that is a moment of true unexpurgated horror. You’ve been caught out and the exposure is pitiless. The exposure (as we know) is always pitiless – it is inevitably pitiless. You do your best to pull it off – you act in a calm and assured way, you arch your eyebrows in a knowledgeable fashion from time to time and you nod your head wisely at odd intervals – and all the rest of it – but all you’re doing is drawing unwanted attention onto yourself. People can spot that you’re confabulating from a mile away – that’s how very obvious it is. It’s painfully obvious…

The shocking truth is that you simply don’t know what it means to be real. You don’t know what it means to be real and you don’t know what it means to be anything. You’ve been bluffing your whole life and no you can’t bluff any more. You’re in trouble but you can’t ask for help because that would be humiliating. That would be worse than humiliating. You’re pretending as best you can but it’s all getting very thin. Like monomolecular thin. It’s getting so thin that it actually can’t get any thinner – you can’t stretch it any further and gaping holes are starting to appear. That’s just the way it goes, however. That’s the way it goes and there’s nothing you can do about it.

“Keep it real”, people love to say, “keep it real…” I hear them but I don’t know what they’re talking about. I honestly don’t know what they mean. “I hear you good buddy”, I answer back glibly, “I’m with you one hundred per cent on that.” It’s important to be with people one hundred per cent; it’s important to agree unreservedly with whatever there is to agree with and that’s something we all have to work at. It’s important to always say the right thing. It’s important to always say the appropriate thing and I’m aware of as aware of that as you are. And by the same token it’s important to never say the weird and uncomfortable thing, the kind of thing that makes people look at you strangely, the kind of thing that could make you lose friends (were it to be the case that you actually had any). That’s a basic. It’s a given under any circumstances that we should never say the weird and inappropriate thing. That’s a basic, and what’s more it’s so basic that we shouldn’t actually mention it. We should be careful to never bring this point up, in fact. We should be EXTREMELY careful never to mention it because if we do then that will make people uncomfortable and – what’s more – it could do irreparable damage to our social standing.

It’s important to be relaxed, nonchalant, and perfectly at ease in social situations. It’s important to be chilled out and casual and to make sure you only ever say things that are highly appropriate. Social situations can easily become awkward and tense as you know, and nobody wants that. No one ever wants that. We all want to have splendid and magnificent experiences as we journey onwards through life and that’s perfectly normal. There’s no need to feel bad about that. No need to feel awkward or embarrassed about it. We’re all in the same boat there, as I think everyone will agree. The important thing is not to be too greedy about it – if you’re too desperate that will spook people. That will leave you feeling like some kind of a grotesque abhorrent freak and no one wants that. No sir – there isn’t ANYONE who wants that.