I have long since ceased to qualify as a human being – I am now nothing more than a criticising machine and a complaining machine, a blaming machine and a finger-pointing machine. The last few pitiful vestiges of my humanity have long since departed and that’s a sad thing. I don’t need to tell you that that’s a sad thing. There was a time when you might even have enjoyed my company – in a perverse kind of way, admittedly – but now I’m a I’m a portal for negativity. These days – unfortunately – all I do his channel toxicity.
“You probably can’t help it though,” you say generously, “it probably crept up on you over the years and now you can’t do anything about it. Now you’re nothing more than a tool for the Great Mendacious One”. That’s exactly how it happened of course – you’ve hit the nail right on the head there. I never saw it happening until it was too late; I used to be my own person, doing whatever I pleased, but now I’m an instrument of the Despiser – a conduit for his bitter rage.
“Make me a fitting instrument for your ill will, O Vile and Loathsome One,” I pray, “use me as you see fit, that I might be of some small help to you as you propagate your unpleasantness throughout the length and breadth of the land.” I wanted nothing more than for the Corrupted One to make me into one of his hideous servants, so that I might do my bit in spreading his darkness across the world. “Have I done well, master?” I will cry out then, “are you pleased with me for my pathetic willingness to defile myself in your name?”
Never mind that now though. That’s enough of that old talk – I’m sure you don’t want to spend any more time listening to me prattling on about my endless grovelling at the feet of the Dark One. “What’s his problem anyway,” you’re probably asking yourself, “why does he think that I want to be listening to all that shit?” I wouldn’t like you to think that is all there is to me however – I wouldn’t like you to think that all there is to me is my craven subservience to Satan. That’s not the full story – I write poetry on occasion and I breed canaries.
No, I wouldn’t like you to turn against me just because of my unfortunate tendency to suck up to the forces of darkness. I am prepared to accept that this constitutes something of a personality defect on my part, but it doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. “You ain’t got no friends and the others they hate you” says Frank Zappa, and I sometimes think that line sums me up all too well. It always makes me jump when I hear it – it’s like he’s talking personally to me with that line and that always makes me feel uncomfortable.
It doesn’t necessarily follow that I can’t be a decent human being just because I regularly let myself be used as a conduit for Satan’s malevolence. No – I never meant for this to happen. In my youth I had hopes and dreams the same as anyone else. I had plenty of hopes and dreams. I had ambitions, I had aspirations. I wanted to make a difference to the world, I wanted to help people. I know it didn’t work out like that but that’s just the way the dice fell. I wasn’t to know, in other words. I wasn’t to know that one day I let myself down in the way that I unfortunately did. I drew the short straw and that’s all there was to it – instead of making something of myself and standing up to the forces of evil, I became their willing plaything.
Some will say that this comes down to a lack of moral fibre on my part, but I beg to differ. If only I had had the breaks things could have been very different, you see. It didn’t have to have turned out like this. I could have been someone you’d be proud to know…
