‘When you understand about reality my son, then you’ll be a man,’ my venerable and kindly headmaster reminded me enthusiastically, with his trade-mark kindly smile. Every inch the Victorian gentleman he was, from top hat to tails. He was a kindly man but at the same time wilful and unpredictable. He was relentlessly genial but at the same time deeply perverse. A strange man but also a very normal one. My head is full of memories these days – I don’t get up to much any more but I do reminisce a lot, which is a positive. And if it wasn’t a positive then we would have to make it one! If it’s not positive make it so – that’s my motto. My head is full of mottos these days – it’s turgid with them, suffused with them, rotten with them. They don’t make any sense but they have a certain utility all the same. A strange man but also a very normal one, so it is said. Every inch the Victorian gentlemen, for what that’s worth. ‘So did you?’ you ask slyly, ‘did you ever get to understand about reality?’ That’s a snide question, of course. Not that I’d expect anything less, not that I’d expect anything less. No I never did understand about reality. I thought I did at one point, but that turned out to be a mistake on my part. I ended up with egg on my face over that one, I can tell you. ‘But does it actually matter if you don’t understand reality?’ is another question, ‘maybe that’s OK?’ That’s a question for another day, however. A team was sent in to investigate, as you might imagine. A reality-investigating team. ‘What’s all this here?’ the Chief Investigator asks in his characteristic amiable but nevertheless bullying fashion, ‘what seems to be the problem, geezer?’ It won’t be long before they get to the bottom of the mystery, don’t you worry. They’re getting their scruffy note pads out and they’re taking statements even as we speak. It’s an official crime scene. ‘What’s the big deal with this reality business anyway?’ you ask, keen to prove that you’re no dullard. ‘I’m no dullard’, you say, keen to prove that you’re no dullard. Keen to prove is right, no one’s going to catch you out! That’s a point of honour with you, that no one should catch you out. You don’t understand about reality however – none of us do. We are all lame ducks in that respect. We don’t understand about reality but we don’t want to be caught out either. Damn right we don’t. We’re smart but at the same time we’re stupid – stupid is as stupid does, so they say. I’m smart enough, don’t you worry, even if I don’t understand reality. Kudos where kudos is due, after all. There’s extra kudos points if you know what reality is however. There is always extra kudos points for that and that’s where the Fakers and the Shakers come in. You can see them silently sidling their way into the room out of the corner of your eye; if you look at them full on they disappear. You know those old Fakers and Shakers, don’t you? Faking it and shaking it all over the shop, saying that they know what reality is. Yapping their heads off at every available opportunity. Talking about it on YouTube. Coming out with all that kind of stuff. ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,’ they say, ‘sure I know what reality is. If you pay me a fee I’ll tell you and that’ll be kudos for you too. That will be another feather in your cap, to add to all the others. You’ve got quite a selection by now I see – quite a selection indeed! You’re a bit of a whizz-kid I can see that straight away. You are quite the achiever so kudos to you for that…