Suppose you threw an apocalypse and nobody came? Suppose you did, suppose you did. Just suppose. Can you imagine the humiliation? Awkward moments come and go, but some awkward moments and last a lifetime! You can trust me on that one, I promise. Please take my word for it – I know what I’m talking about here. I always know what I’m talking about – even when I don’t. Especially when I don’t.
‘Life is full of awkward moments but awkward moments aren’t always full of life’ – that’s another of my sayings. You can quote me on that one if you like. I spent many long years – many decades in fact – waiting for some kind of significant mental event to occur in my mind and after many, many years of fruitless waiting I notice to my amazement something starting to happen, something that actually seemed to mean something. To say that I felt vindicated would have been an extraordinary understatement but then the next thing was that it turned out to be a false alarm. It was nothing. It had definitely looked like something – no doubt about that – but closer scrutiny revealed that it was no more than what we experimental scientists like to call an ‘artefact’ – a piece of random fly-shit on the microscope slide of my mind, so to speak. Nothing to get too excited about, basically. Nothing that’s going to earn you a Nobel Prize in physics.
Can you imagine that? Over twenty thousand years waiting with bated breath, and nothing ever actually happening? And nothing ever did. Can you imagine the frustration of all those years? The thankless millenia, I call them. Those thankless millenia spent waiting for something interesting to happen in your life and nothing ever does. What a frickin disaster. Imagine if you were the Illuminati and you threw an apocalypse and nobody came? Can you imagine what that would feel like? Talk about awkward. Nostalgia is a funny thing isn’t it? What I find funny about nostalgia is how you can get really, really nostalgic about things that you didn’t even like at the time. What in God’s name is all that about? The mind is a strange thing, as people frequently say. A strange, strange thing. Everything’s a strange thing really, though – that’s what folk don’t generally focus on. The strangeness or otherwise of the mind is the least of it. The very least of it.
Awkward moments, huh? Awkward moments can be so damn awkward, can’t they? They can be embarrassing. They can make you feel bad. Like when you talk casually and frankly about something that you do that you think is normal and then it turns out that it isn’t. It turns out to be anything but. The mind’s a strange thing, folk always say, tapping the sides of their heads with their extended forefingers and nodding wisely as they do so. As if they are communicating some deep esoteric truth that has never been heard before. ‘But not as strange as you buddy boy’, you feel like saying, ‘not as strange as you…’
