We are all so very trapped in our own lives, aren’t we? We are all so terribly, terribly trapped, so hideously trapped. It’s a freaking nightmare. We mustn’t ever mention it though and that’s the important thing. The important thing is that we must never mention it. Just keep on pretending that everything is just the way it’s supposed to be. Act like you’re having fun. I’m having a great time buddy – I don’t know about you. I don’t know about you because you look like a bit of a loser to me. A bit of a goddamn loser for sure.
At least we’re all agreed on that, anyway. There’s lots of to disagree about in this world but we can’t disagree with this. No sir we can’t. No way. Lots and lots to disagree with but we can all agree on the important thing which is that, which is that. ‘At least we’re all agreed on that’, I murmur to myself distractedly, ‘at least we can all agree on that…’ I’ve lost track of what I’m saying however – I’m coasting on the momentum of my own deadly inertia and I no longer know what I’m trying to say.
What does the absence of ourselves feel like? That is the big question of course – that is ALWAYS the big, big question. What exactly does that look like? Can you draw a picture of it? Do you have any theories? We all know that this is the so-called ‘Big Question’ – that’s generally understood. That’s generally understood by me at least. We’re all so very trapped in our own lives, aren’t we? I know I am anyway. I know very well that I am and you can quote me on that. It’s a bit of a joke really when it comes down to it. It’s like one of those impossible puzzles, one of those puzzles that’s impossible to solve, I mean. Everything depends on how quickly you can get to see this. Are you a quick learner or are you a slow learner? Or a non-learner, perhaps.
The way I look at it we all have two choices – ignore the fact that we don’t know what the absence of ourselves feels like or try to find out and drive ourselves crazy in the process. Not much of a choice is it? It’s not exactly a barrel of laughs either way. If you ignore the fact that you don’t know what your own absence feels like then you just going to get sick of yourself. Sooner or later you’re going to nauseate yourself past the point of no return. You’ll be so sick of yourself that you just won’t be able to bear it anymore and you’ll start screaming and shouting and freaking out. You’ll start losing your shit big time. So that’s not a great option, obviously.
If you go down the other road then that isn’t great either – you’ll never have any peace, you’ll never be satisfied with anything. You’ll know full well that you’re being tricked wherever you go. Basically, you’re being tormented by your need to know what it’s like when you’re not there. You keep on stretching your neck and peering around corners but to no avail. You’re trying to catch yourself out but you can’t. No matter where you go you’re already there – as large as life and twice as ugly. Leering at yourself. Wherever you go you’re already there and always that same annoyingly dumb hopeful expression on your face. Maybe you did it this time, you’re thinking – like the pure idiot you are. Maybe you’re getting somewhere at last…
