I was worried that my enemies might be trying to poison me. No just with their toxic thoughts, their vile judgements, their evil intent, but actually with genuine chemical poisons. Their resources are considerable after all – their resources are very considerable indeed. They might be using traces of the transuranic elements for example, traces too small to show up on any instruments but nevertheless cumulative in their effect. After four or five years of this I would be done for – I would just collapse one day and that would be the end of me.
‘That’s just a defence mechanism of the ego’, my brain tells me coldly. ‘It’s a gimmick, a hoax, a red herring’. My brain is scathing. ‘All this nonsense about your enemies going to extraordinary lengths to do away with you – pure horse-shit from beginning to end. It’s absolute balderdash, how could you believe such drivel?’ My brain is tearing strips off me, as you can see. ‘You understand nothing,’ it told me. ‘Haven’t I explained all this to you a thousand times before?’
My brain had explained this to me before – it had carefully explained to me how the ego tries on stuff like this as a way of proving that it exists. It shouts loudly that someone is trying to murder it and then hides behind the drama. It roars out that someone is trying to kill it, thereby putting everyone – including itself – off the scent. Oh no, someone is trying to bump you off! That’s real bad news for you isn’t it? Particularly as you don’t exist even exist in the first place!
My brain points this out to me every time but somehow I never seem to remember it. That old ego of mine catches me out every single time, no matter how many times I’ve been told, and that is why my brain is so very exasperated with me. I can’t blame it, really. It’s not really my brain of course, I just call it that. It’s an implant, an implanted bit of alien hardware, salvaged from a crashed alien spaceship. No one could work out what the function of this bit of alien technology was so and as a last resort the team implanted it into my head and spliced it into my corpus callosum, just to see what happened. I’m an experiment, in other words. Nothing ventured, nothing gained as they say and so I volunteered to be the guinea pig. I stepped forward and agreed to undergo the procedure… That’s all lies of course, I only come out with stuff like that to get people going. It’s incredible how gullible folk are when you put them to the text, it really is. You can tell them anything.
The alien implant isn’t really an alien implant, it’s actually a licensed piece of equipment from the Enlightenment Corporation designed to help users find their way out of the murky twilight world of Samsara and return to the light of the One True Consciousness. That’s what it says on the quick start-up guide, anyway. Of course there is a bit of alien technology included in the unit – that goes without saying really. We always need a bit of it. Human technology is so crap, as we all know. It’s basically unreliable. We even design it to go wrong after a while, so you have to upgrade it. Alien technology, on the other hand, never goes wrong. It can behave mysteriously but it never malfunctions. ‘Wrong’ doesn’t exist for alien technology – it’s non-polar, it is beyond all explicit or implicit dichotomies such as right and wrong, error and ‘correct functioning’. Who’s to say what this thing called ‘correct functioning’ is, anyway?
