It’s a funny old universe we live in. Viciously funny, and entirely at our expense of course. It’s funny all the same, if we can find it within ourselves to appreciate the joke, which on the whole we can’t. I would actually go so far as to say that this is the defining characteristic of us funny old human beings – that we live in what is essentially a humorous universe whilst being the same time quite lacking ourselves in a sense of humour! What a predicament, huh? You’ve got to admit that’s a good one…

My ego was trying to have a happy time. ‘Have a happy time, have a happy time, have a happy time, have a happy time…’ it told itself dolefully. But it didn’t do any good. It never does. What a terrible situation, huh? That’s got to be the saddest situation there ever could be, without any doubt. Without any doubt whatsoever. It wins hands down. Should we be sorrow for the hell-spawned ego though or should we rejoice in its misfortunes? That’s the big question, isn’t it? What our attitude in these matters should be.

‘Have yourselves a happy time now!’ – isn’t that the message of our filthy capitalist world? Because I’m worth it, and all of that old bollocks. Because I’m so bloody worth it. Is that a lie you’re prepared to swallow? I’d say it is, really. I’d say it definitely is! Of all the lies in the world (and there are many) that is the sweetest. So wonderfully sweet, so delectably sweet. ‘Have a happy time for yourself now,’ the advertising robot tells us, with a wink. The advertising robots are us of course – no self-respecting automaton would ever have anything to do with this kind of shyte. The socially-conditioned ego, right? Have yourself a lovely happy time now. Because your ego is worth it. Does your ego deserve the very best? Of course it does, of course it does. Let’s roll out the red carpet for it and get ready with the hair-care products. Let the farce begin.

Let no one say that the universe doesn’t have a sense of humour! Wouldn’t you agree? It’s a wicked sense of humour in one way perhaps but – on the other hand – if you happen to be stupid enough to walk into a trap like that then you kind of deserve everything you get. That’s the other way of looking at it. If you’re enough of a dumb-ass to fall for that line then you kind of have it coming to you, wouldn’t you say? If a bunch of smarmy smooth-talking advertising jackasses (sorry I mean executives) walk up to you as if they care and tell you that you ought to buy the product because you’re worth it, because your sweet-natured fluffy little ego deserves to have a nice time, and this works on you then I’m afraid you’re just going to have to put up with whatever happens next. By Jingo you are!

‘Don’t feed the egos,’ right? ‘Don’t feed the bloody old egos’. That sign’s there for a reason you know. You’re supposed to take notice of it. Because if you don’t then you know what’s going to happen next! By God you do and don’t try to tell me otherwise. ‘Oh look here’s a cute little ego let’s feed it…’ Let’s feed the little bastard. Maybe it’ll do some tricks for us; maybe it’ll do something cute. Like shit all over your expensive new outfit. Maybe a whole bunch of them will jump on top of your car and poop all over it and then everything will go brown. Maybe they will smash the windows and pull you out and eat you alive? You can’t say you didn’t have it coming, after all…