Every day I do the thing. Would you believe that? Every single day I do the thing, every single bloody day of my life. ‘Do the thing,’ I say to myself, ‘hurry up and do the thing.’ So anyway I do the thing. I actually do it. I do it repeatedly, as if my very life depended on it. I do the thing, but the thing is of course that the thing isn’t real!

That’s a twist in the tale you see. That’s the bit folks generally don’t see coming. ‘Oh what!’ they say, ‘I really didn’t see that coming.’ ‘Boy, oh boy, oh boy,’ they say. ‘You surely got me with that one! Do you know any others?’

Yes indeed, doing the thing is all very fine and dandy. We all know that. Doing the thing is fine and everything but then we get to thinking about why we are doing the thing when the thing isn’t real. We can’t help going there you see. It becomes an anomaly that is impossible to ignore. On the one hand we have to do the thing and we all know that well; that’s fine and dandy and all but if the thing isn’t real then why do we bother?

Because we do bother, you see. Indeed we do – we bother a lot. We all know how important it is to do the thing, after all. We are very bothered indeed and that’s the whole point. It’s like the devil himself has got into us and he’s making us do the thing. The very Devil himself and no mistake. He’s gotten into you and he’s not coming out. Why would he? He’s nice and cosy there after all.

That’s what it’s like when the Devil gets into you, you know – he really, really, really doesn’t want to come out again. No sir, he doesn’t. He surely doesn’t. He’s got his prize now and he is not about to let it go. He’s going to set up house. He’s going to whisper away in your ear from morning to night – ‘Do the thing, do the thing, do the thing,’ he’s going to say. You can probably hear him right now if you listen! He’s probably there, reminding you…

A twist in the tale, a twist in the tale. There’s always a twist in the tale, isn’t there? Particularly when Old Splitfoot himself is involved. He’s a twisty one and no mistake! The voice of Satan is always whispering away; whispering away so that only you can hear it. You can go right ahead and deny that if you please. Be my guest! Let’s not stand on ceremony. We are all friends here after all. There’s absolutely no need for the niceties. Deny it by all means.

You can call the voice of Satan ‘your own thoughts’, if that’s what you want. That’s what I do – it kind of makes things easier that way and – personally speaking – I’m all in favour of a quiet life, an easy life. With not too many conflicts, if I can avoid it. When you hear the preacher up in his pulpit shouting at you to ‘Do the thing’ you can be sure he’s working for the Old Fella, the Great Red King. For sure he is – only Old Splitfoot tells people to do the thing. That’s his department you see. That’s his game. Only the Deceiver tells you to ‘do the thing’ – for obvious reasons! Nobody ever did the thing. How could they?

Some things are lies as soon as you say them. A lot of things are lies soon as you say them. ‘If you’re born as a liar then so shall you live’, isn’t that what they say? Born as a liar, live as a liar, yes indeed. What’s the matter with you, boy? Has the Devil got your tongue? The Devil got your tongue, the Devil got your tongue, the Devil got your tongue? Some things are lies soon as you say them and that’s the point I’m trying to make here. Exactly the point, exactly the point…

I try to make out that I’m smart of course. I try to make out that I know what I’m talking about. The words come pouring out of my mouth to this effect. The fact is however that I’m always trying to do the thing just the same as anyone else. We all do the thing. We do it, and then the next thing is that we do it again! Perfect strangers come up to me in the street – ‘Hey buddy,’ they say, ‘You’ve got to do the thing…’

Lurid hallucinatory space clowns with frizzy orange hair and evil smiles come to me in my dreams. They are all telling me that I had better hurry up and do the thing. They’re warning me of how important it is, how terribly important it is. They are nodding their heads and winking their eyes, nodding their heads and winking their eyes… They are threatening me with their fiery clown swords…