May Contain Traces Of Satan

New Improved Western Civilisation – all of the good stuff and none of the bad! You know you’ve got to try it! New improved formula. New improved odour – no more of that unpleasant lingering smell that can ruin the ambience which you have worked so hard to create. No more of that disagreeable aftertaste that has such an unfortunate habit of spoiling your day.


Comes in its own unique presentation package with lots of added extras and – what’s more – the first ten million buyers get a special commemorative medal. Makes a perfect gift – have you ever been caught out wondering what to get someone on that oh-so-special occasion? Don’t be caught again – give them the gift of New Improved Western Civilisation. Guaranteed not to create any unpleasant lingering odours. Guaranteed toxin-free and environmentally friendly.


New improved, new improved. Guaranteed, guaranteed. Be the first in your neighbourhood to test drive this wonderful new product. Just imagine the envious faces of your neighbours as they see you in all your glory. Just imagine their gawking faces pressed right up against your car windows. Gawking like the stupid bastards they are. Gawking their dumb frickin faces off because they know they are such losers…


All of the good stuff and none of the bad and that’s our promise to you! New Improved Life. Free from all the little irritations that always get in the way. Free from the angst and alienation that can so easily spoil your day. Free from the guilt and shame of being a thoroughly unworthy human being. Free from the misery of the daily grind. That’s our guarantee to you. Live the dream and be in control of your own destiny. That’s our promise to you.


New Improved Reality! Fed up of things being crap? Fed up of not getting the deal you deserve? Fed up of always feeling like a down-at-heel loser? Why not try New Improved Reality? It comes in its own special can. Shake before opening for best results. May contain traces of Satan. Refreshes and invigorates at the same time. Comes with its own unique flavour – the flavour that grows on you. The flavour that says so much about the type of person you have decided to become…


Fed up of feeling like a lame-brain idiot? Try the New Improved You. You won’t know yourself and that’s no word of a lie. What could be better than the New Improved You? The old one wasn’t so great, as I’m sure you have to admit. The old one wasn’t up to much and that’s a fact. The old one was no great shakes and there’s no denying that! It was letting you down in a big way and that’s a problem you just can’t afford to ignore. Not in this modern world of ours where presentation counts for so much.


Not so great, not so great, not so great at all. Not to worry though – for the first time ever, there’s something you can do about it. Scientists have proven, scientists have proven. The latest research shows, the latest research shows. At last there is a guaranteed remedy for those unpleasant lingering odours, for that unfortunate aftertaste in your mouth that spoils the memory of a positive and worthwhile day. No more embarrassing moments, no more awkward silences, no more horrifically disappointing personal failures. No more unkind looks from strangers on the street.


Sweet murmurs of who you might be come to you on the oh-so-fragrant breeze. Sweet, sweet murmurs. Promises of a Better You, promises of a Better You. Whispers that promise The New Improved You, and what could be better than that?








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