I have (I’m proud to say) dedicated my entire life to proving that the Great Lie is in fact not a lie at all, but rather that it is perfectly and completely true, true in every respect, true not only in all important respects but also true in all the unimportant respects too. I have dedicated myself to proving (to the very best of my ability) that the Great and Scurrilous Lie is in fact the most Wondrous and Splendid Truth, the most Sacred Truth, The Truth Which Must Always Be Upheld, no matter what. Many long years have I put into this task and much hardship have I suffered on its behalf. I have accumulated reams upon reams of evidence to prove the matter once and for all; I have had dozens and dozens of peer reviewed research papers published in the most prestigious journals. I have won respect and admiration from my peers and for this I am of course very grateful, but it is not been an easy path for me. Sometimes I lose faith, sometimes I wonder what it’s all for. But then the darkness of doubt passes and I launch herself into the fray again, determined to prove to the world that the Loathsome Lie is not a loathsome lie at all, but the most Glorious Truth, The Most Glorious Of All Possible Truths, The Truth That Must Never Be Denied. Some would say that my struggle is a futile one, of course. Some would say this. Some will say that I am a bit of an old ejit for having dedicated my life, as I have done, to this cause. I refute that however. I refute that, just as I always refute everything.

My mind was getting angry with people. It wasn’t me that was angry, not really. It was my mind. When I hear someone saying something I can’t help thinking to myself ‘Why are they saying that? What’s their problem that they have to be saying something like that?’ When I see cars driving down the street I think ‘Where the hell are they going? What’s wrong with them? Why can’t those morons just stay at home?’ If I see someone’s face I can’t help saying to myself ‘What’s got into that idiot? What’s the matter with them going around with that dopey-looking expression on their face?’ I even think this when I see my own face in the mirror ‘For God’s sake,’ I say, ‘what’s got into you, you stupid looking plonker.’ I was full of anger, you see. My mind was thick with it, turgid with it. Do you know what that feels like? I’d say you do, by the look of you. I’m completely choked up with rage and anger. I’m rotten with it. It’s not me though. It’s just my mind.

I try to be spiritual as much as the next man does. I really do. I make a big effort in that direction, a really big effort. I’m working at it all the time. I know there’s more to life than base material existence – I’m plenty aware of that! I know that there’s more to life than lurching from one crude desire to another and getting angry and frustrated when I can’t satisfy these desires. Getting envious of people who can. Being angry with them on this account. Being thoroughly toxic. Posting abusive comments on internet sites. Becoming bitter and thinking bad thoughts about my neighbour because he’s got a better car than me. Because I’ve only got a crappy car. Someone once told me that I had a hairdresser’s car. They said you could tell a lot about a person because of the car they drive. Plus all the dents and scratches my car’s got because I’m such a crappy driver. Spending all my time in distractions. Self-distracting constantly in case I actually catch sight of myself. Talking to idiots about nonsense. All that sort of unspiritual stuff.

Enlightenment is what we want of course. Enlightenment is what we all want. Try to see who can become enlightened quickest. Competitive spiritual seeking, you could call it. Enlightenment as a competitive sport. One day it will be in the Olympics. Like yogic flying. Cheating with drugs when you can get away with it. Performance enhancers to give you an edge over the other dullards. Stumbling along in their semi-somnambulism state. Sneaking a quick hit of 5MEO when no one is looking to put you ahead of the crowd. A bit of a spurt, just as you approach the final hurdle. The crowd is going mad with applause. Everyone is going to wonder what it feels like to be you. They’d love to know because they’re so nosey. You will be famous. You’ll be so, so famous! You’ll be doing the chat show circuit for many years to come. You’ll be famous for being enlightened.