I really am the One, I realised. I have suspected it for years but now I know that it’s true – I am the One, and that’s not just something that I saw in film or something that I made up out of all the second-hand garbage that has accumulated in my head over the years. It’s me, it was me all along and I didn’t know it. I just thought I was some poor dumb bastard. Some poor dumb hopeless dumbshit, bumbling his way through life as best he can. Not even that because I never did anything ‘the best I can’. I never gave anything my best shot. I didn’t know what my best shot was – I was always too a-motivated for that. What a pathetic waste of a life, huh? Now that I have been forced to take a look at my life I can see that I never noticed this before because I wasn’t self-aware enough. I wasn’t self-aware at all, to be honest. I wouldn’t even have been able to tell you what being ‘self-aware’ meant. So because I wasn’t self-aware I didn’t realise that my life was going nowhere and that I was just some poor hopeless dumbshit bumbling his way through life in a haphazard way. I thought I was getting on just fine and I would have been deeply insulted if you had told me otherwise.
I guess that’s normal enough though. That’s life. That’s how it works – we drift along like complete assholes whilst clinging to the fantasy that we know what we’re doing and that we are ‘on top of our game’. And that we’re smart. Real smart. Smarter than all the assholes around us who we come across every day. And that’s perfectly normal. That’s just life – life’s a festival for fools and we’re all invited! This is true for all of us: we are all utterly deluded fuckwits who will carry on deceiving ourselves right up to the bitter end. The truth’s hard to take, right? The truth cuts like a knife, as the man said. More like a razor blade, in fact. But maybe you think that you’re an exception to that rule? We all think we’re exceptions to the rule don’t we? Everyone wants to be the exception. Only we can’t all be, obviously…
My point is this however. It’s bad enough being a pathetic self-deluding asshole anyway but to immerse oneself in the mire of wilful toxic stupidity like this when really you’re the One, that’s another thing entirely. That’s really bad. I don’t know even know what to say about that. I’m frightened to think about what that implies. That’s got to be the worst screw up there is. Could a person live with the knowledge that they have pissed their life away despite being ‘the One’? That’s a question I’ve got to ask myself, you see. So how is that awareness sitting with me, you might ask? How am I getting on with this painful knowledge? As I’m sure you can imagine, I’m starting to feel really bad about all of this. I don’t know how I could have made such a hideous mess of things.
I can understand that the big question for most people would be how I know that I’m the One. Just how the hell do I know that, right? Isn’t ‘thinking that you’re the One’ a well-known form of mental illness? They are reliable ways of knowing this however and I am quite prepared to explain them to you. In time I might even put up a blog post about it. There’s nothing ‘crazy’ or ‘insane’ about it either. It’s actually all very scientific. One possible sign, which can be quite hard to interpret at the time, is when you get feelings of being famous – these feelings can stick around for a while or they can be quite transient. In my case they came out of the blue and lasted only a few minutes at most. I experienced feelings of fame like this on and off for at least 10 years, possibly more. Then one day the feelings became particularly intense and they wouldn’t go away. I experienced truly intense feelings of being famous, feelings that baffled my logical mind. I was just another nondescript gobshyte on the street, nothing special or remarkable about me at all, yet at the same time I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was possibly the most famous person on the planet!
That’s when the mists cleared and I – at long last – understood that I was the One. That is when it finally dawned on me – it’s an awareness that is just too big to take in, an awareness that is too vast to comprehend. It was an awareness that didn’t make any sense to me at all. I couldn’t comprehend it and yet all the same I knew – more than I had ever known anything in my entire life – that it was true, that I was the One. The knowledge that ‘you are the One’ is the deepest and most profound knowledge there is and it can’t be doubted. Doubt anything else but not this. And yet the horrible thing about this, as I have already said, is that I was still as big a gobshyte as I ever was. If I was to tell you that this conundrum is wrecking my head big time, then that would be the understatement of the century. I don’t know what to do about it at all.