Nodding Like A Good ‘Un

All the happiness-chemicals had gone out of my head, it was as if they had all leaked out or something. A happiness leak had taken place. All that was left were the misery-chemicals, the bitterness-chemicals, the resentment-chemicals, the envy- and begrudgery-chemicals, which had all joined up together to create a foul smog. This foul toxic smog pickled my brain and turned it into a kind of discoloured emaciated walnut that floated around stupidly like some kind of useless dead thing in the vast empty spaces of my capacious cranium. This pickled, discoloured, desiccated, dehydrated bit of an old brain of mine was full of such malice that you simply wouldn’t believe it! It was such a wicked little thing, such a terribly wicked little thing.


There was no good left my brain at this stage, no good at all. This unpleasant pickled sour little walnut-brain of mine wasn’t good for anything apart from thinking bad thoughts and it didn’t see anything wrong with this. Not even for a second did it pause to consider that it might actually be malfunctioning in some frighteningly terrible way. It never paused to consider such a possibility – it was too full of malice for that. It was too full of malice for considering anything. So much malice, so much malice. All it could do was spit poison.


I didn’t realise it as the time but I had actually started to develop occult superpowers. On the one hand you could say that I wasn’t a very nice person, if we may use that term (which might admittedly be stretching it a bit) and on the other hand you could say that I was becoming exceptionally talented in certain areas, certain areas that relate specifically to the development of evil psychic capabilities, shall we say? That was the start of it. That was the start of everything that was yet to follow. Things which I have yet to tell you about.


I was brooding on the wrongs that had been done to me. Brooding very deeply. Brooding, brooding, brooding. Nothing could disturb my brooding – nothing could be allowed to disturb my brooding. Brooding is a very serious business, as I’m sure you know. I brooded for many centuries. Many, many centuries. I don’t how many – I didn’t count them you see. I didn’t count them because I was too intent on my brooding. Counting was the last thing on my mind…


Eventually I gained so much power via my dark brooding that I became virtually omnipotent. I decided to create a whole universe and then – over the course of many aeons – I would work out my malice on the unfortunate denizens of this universe. Take my time over it, so to speak. Okay, okay, okay – it’s not a very original idea, I know. It’s old hat at this stage. I get that. But what else could I do? What other options did I have open to me? You try brooding for thousands of years on the wrongs that had been done to you and see what kind of space that puts you into. It’s very easy to criticise from the comfort of your armchair, so to speak, but when you’ve got all that negative energy accumulated it’s got to go somewhere. Okay, so in retrospect, I can see that I made a rather poor decision. I can see that I should have perhaps thought some more about the road I was going down, but as I say it’s all too easy to judge. It’s all too easy for some jackass to come along and be wise after the event…


You weren’t there – you don’t know what it was like to be me. So what were the wrongs that were done to you, you ask? “Let’s make this a little bit more interesting shall we?” you say. What exactly were the jolly old wrongs? Trot them out there. Please go through each one of them in detail… I can’t do that of course. I don’t know what the wrongs were. How am I supposed to remember them after all this time? It’s all just one big horror story really isn’t it? Life’s a horror when it turns against you. There’s nothing worse than that. There surely isn’t. What could be worse than that?


I was telling myself stories to remind myself that I existed. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I said to myself, you exist good buddy and don’t you ever forget it. Oh yeah. You definitely exist buddy and I don’t ever want to hear you doubt it. You exist plenty. I nodded at myself in unequivocal confirmation of the fact. Let there be no doubt, let there be no doubt. Oh yeah buddy, oh yeah buddy. We’ll show them don’t worry. We’ll show them you see if we don’t. I was nodding like some kind of stupid nodding toy at this stage. I was nodding like a good ‘un, nodding like a boss. I was nodding like a total fucking lunatic. I was practising positive affirmations as if there was no tomorrow. Why – I exist alright – I told myself, looking myself square in the eyes. I exist alright and don’t you fucking forget it…









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