Tales of the Mumbly-Jumbly Man

When I was but a very small child, no bigger than a gnat, many, many years hence from now, I used to hear tales of the Mumbly-Jumbly Man. Or rather, I will hear them, ‘way back when’ in ‘the past that has yet to happen’ or – as we might also quite legitimately say – ‘way back when’, in ‘that incredibly distant future that has already occurred’. Human reason is easily confused and that in itself is a key part of the right and proper role of the Mumbly-Jumbly Man – to confuse still further the easily confused reason of humankind.


The Mumbly-Jumbly Man is – as the future-legends tell us – the ancient but yet to be enemy of bureaucracy  and order, and when he appears life-giving chaos is sure to follow in his footsteps. ‘But what was he like as an actual real person?’ we want to know. What were his hobbies, what were his interests, did he have a good sense of humour – did he have any friends, and if it was the case that he did, what would they have said about him? Where did he go to school? Did he have any moral failings that we ought to know about? Was he a religious man? Did he go to church? Was he a bit of an oddball or was he a team player? Did he like sport? But all of this matters as nothing, of course. All of this matters as nothing.


The tale begins as it always begins – the tale begins as it always shall begin. Great evil had settled upon the land and there were no more heroes left anywhere in the world. People had forgotten that there  ever was such a thing as heroes. No one could remember their names. Instead of heroes they had superheroes, who weren’t real but only fantasy. When the great evil came therefore, the superheroes proved to be no good; their power was great indeed in the fantasy realm of men and women’s minds, but it counted for nothing when the chips were down. Alas, over the weary millennia, humankind had succumbed to the lure of the fantasy realm where there are splendid superheroes who cannot be defeated, or if they can then they will in time rally around even more splendidly and win victory the second time around, against all the odds.


Against all the odds, against all the odds – we never give up hope because we know all will be saved at the end of the day! The superheroes will win the day – that’s what they are there for, after all. Alas, when great evil came however it came not in the fantasy world of men and women’s dreams, but in the actual reality itself, where no one had thought to look. The enemy – ever cunning – had appeared in the one place no one had ever expected him to – in reality! Ever cunning the enemy, ever cunning the enemy. Taken completely by surprise, humanity succumbed without a fight – no hero appeared at mankind’s hour of need and so the enemy’s victory was complete.


Or will be complete, whichever way round you choose to look at it. A shadow had fallen (will fall) upon the world – and having fallen – it did not/will not ever shift again. Soulless corporations rule the earth. Demons with the fat bland faces of hedge-fund managers sat in the seats of power. ‘But what of the Mumbly-Jumbly Man?’ I hear you ask, ‘What of the MJM? Where was he? What role does he play?’ Alas – the Mumbly-Jumbly Man never once appeared. Of him there was no sign. No one even knew his name. And yet perhaps one day he will return to Earth, just as the ancient future-legends say…







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