I was trying to figure out the right way to be. What sort of way would be the right way, I wondered? Would it be like this? Would it be like that? I just didn’t know. I mentally rehearsed a number of different ways to be but none of them seemed right. They all seemed unpleasantly false, they all seemed horribly artificial. They weren’t the right way at all. I felt embarrassed even to have considered them. But I had to start somewhere. How could I find the right way unless I tried out all the possibilities? The trouble was, I didn’t even know where to start. I felt myself getting panicky but managed to fight it down. I managed to repress it. There has to be a right way, I said to myself. Obviously there has to be a right way to be. The only question is, what is it? And how do I find out what it is? That’s where I’m stuck. I haven’t got a clue. I’m shooting in the dark. I’m all at sea. I’m chancing my arm. I just don’t know what the right way to be is – I’m grabbing hold of the wrong end of the stick every time. I’m not getting anywhere and the panic is starting to rise up in me again.

I make a last titanic effort to marshal my thoughts. To get back on track. I was going about this thing all wrong, it occurred to me. The reason I wasn’t getting anywhere was because I just wasn’t being confident enough – the thing to do was to make something the right way, and then it would be! The thing to do was to be confident about it. Don’t ask questions, just do it. Push ahead, regardless of how it feels. Force it. Make it happen, don’t take no for an answer… As soon as I had this thought I felt better. I knew what I had to do. I picked a way, without thinking too much about it, and then I got on with being that way, as best I could. It felt forced and awkward to start off with but I stuck at it. I didn’t give up and eventually – after how long I don’t know – it started to feel normal. I had succeeded! I had created normal! I had found the right way. Or created it, which was surely just as good. If not better. I had finally reached the stage in which I had a way of being which felt normal…

More than normal, it felt right! No longer was I all at sea. No longer was I driving myself crazy with not knowing. No longer was I lacking in confidence. The truth of what I had just accomplished was slowly sinking through to me. This felt so good. The sense of satisfaction and vindication was immense. I couldn’t believe how good it felt. Boy did that vindication feel good! How dare they say I was wrong? The hell with those bastards. I was right and I knew it. The only thing lacking – it occurred to me after a while – was that there must be other people who did not know the right way to be, which meant of course that it was now my sacred duty to teach them…