A sad voice. Tones of unbearable sadness. Somewhere behind my head in the dark, the words coming thinly out of the air. As if the air itself were speaking. “We fled from the light and became evil”. Such infinite sorrow. Unendurable sorrow. The sorrow of ages. I realized that it was my own voice speaking, strangely dissociated from my body. A separate entity. My voice had somehow lost all connection with my body, all connection with me. It hung in the air, seemingly coming from a direction that lay somewhere behind me and somewhat to my left. My voice would have nothing to do with me any more – it had disowned me and was wandering freely through the room, murmuring softly to itself.
The dissociation had become very severe, I realized. The various aspects of myself had become undone. They had come apart. There was no more cohesion, nothing to keep me together any more. All the different various parts of me were now quietly repelling each other, pushing each other part with cold sociopathic indifference. Like magnets repelling each other. It was easier to go away than come together. Easier to go away. Easier to retreat coldly to your own corner and have nothing to do with the other aspects, the other parts. Like a relationship gone bad. Easier to hate than to love.
‘It’s not as if I was ever attracted to evil,’ I found myself thinking, ‘It’s just that the light was so frightening.’ My thoughts were like dry leaves rustling on an autumn day. They rustled drily and that’s how I thought. I thought by by rustling. By rubbing my tired old brain cells together until they made a rustling sound. ‘I never wanted to be evil,’ I thought. I never wanted to be evil. I never wanted to be evil. Somehow I had just made the decision to flee, the decision to run as fast as I would in the opposite direction. And then I had just found myself fleeing, fleeing, fleeing. Forever fleeing in a flight that lasted forever. Being blown like a leaf on a gale. Driven relentlessly here and there by every blast that comes. Blasts of fear that found me out wherever I hid. Fear of the light.
A sudden pressure pushing down on me. Threatening to crush me under unimaginable force. Breaking me apart. Then my thoughts were blowing away in a sudden gust of wind. They were being scattered for the very last time. They would rustle drily no more…
It was a hot dry wind. A desert wind. The wind of dispersal. The wind of dissolution. The wind that scatters. So very hot. So very dry. “We fled from the light and then we became evil,” a voice spoke softly from the air. It spoke softly in tones of infinite sorrow. I tried to turn around to see where the voice was coming from but I couldn’t. I wasn’t there anymore. I had been scattered along with my thoughts. I had been dispersed. Final dissolution had taken place. Taken care of by the hot dry wind that drives all before it. My thoughts were fluttering scraps of nothingness. Terribly dry leaves. Terribly thin leaves. So very dry. So very thin. You could see right through them. They weren’t even there any more. Ghost leaves dispersed by a desert wind. The final stage of dissolution…
