Heroin Dealer


People say that because I deal heroin I am a bad person, an immoral person, a wicked and evil person. People say that I am scum, that I am the lowest of the low and that I deserve to be locked up. They fail to understand.


I am an honest heroin dealer. The product I deal in is sleep. Sleep is the merchandize that I am marketing. Sleep is the commodity which I have on offer. I am a trafficker in sleep. Sleep is what I am selling on my stall.


If you come up to me and ask me what I am selling I will tell you. I will explain it to you in terms that you are able to understand. “You see this stuff,” I will say, “take it and it will transport you directly to noddy-land. Take it and it will bring you immediately to skag-head land, where you can get stuck straight into the Big Doze, the Big Nod. No diversions and no delays whatsoever. It’ll put you in the zone. Smoke it or chase it or stick it up your arm and you are guaranteed entry to the Kingdom of Blank. This brown powder that I have here is your passport to the land of the Lotus Eaters. The land where gouching out is the rule of the day, where nodding is the only game in town. Skag-Central, just one stop away…”


If I tell you that and you still want to relieve me of a few ten bags, or a quarter gram or two, then that is your look out. That’s just fine by me. As I say, I’m an honest dealer – I tell you exactly what I’m selling you and you’re at liberty to buy it if you want. And if you go off and stick it up your arm and then sit there nodding like a good un for the next two hours then you are advertising my wares to the world. “This is good nod,” you’re saying, although you won’t know it, “The best nod in town…”


And people can look at you and see where you’re at. “He’s gone to skag-head land,” they will say, “he’s in the land of nod.” They will see the unvarnished product, no frills, no fancy brochures, and they will get the drift. They will see you and catch on fast. And perhaps they will decide then that the product is not what they want. It doesn’t look very nice, after all. You see a fella gouching, it’s not too pretty. You see him slouched there in the chair, mouth open, scratching his belly, gouching like a good ‘un, it’s not a pretty sight. Its not what you’d call inspirational. It not salubrious. So that’s honest too. Very honest. There’s a lesson in it for everybody…


But now let me tell you about the other dealers in sleep, the dishonest ones. They will never tell you what they are really selling. That’s the last thing they will tell you. They will tell you that they’re selling all kinds of great stuff. They will give you glossy brochures. They will tell you how good their stuff is for you, how its really gonna help you.


So who am I talking about? Don’t you know? Do you really need to be told?


Your educational system is selling you sleep. Your universities are selling you sleep, and giving you fancy certificates with your name on when you’re under. When you’re brain’s shut off. Your religion is selling you sleep. Your political parties are selling you sleep, your governments. The big corporations are selling you sleep. What’s all that stuff but sleep? That stuff will put you under and keep you under. End of story.


These guys are heroin dealers. Everybody’s dealing in heroin – that’s the only thing that sells. That’s the only game in town.


You wanna buy a nice outfit? Pure heroin. You wanna dip into a women’s weekly? Penang Rock, put you out like a light. You wanna watch the nine o’clock news, see a serious current affairs program on TV? Thai Number 1 – best fucking heroin in the world. You wanna see the big match? China White – Skag-head Nirvana, pure and uncut, straight out of the smack factory, still smelling of the chemicals they use to make it..


Its all heroin, in many sophisticated (and not-so-sophisticated) guises. The entertainment industry – pure sleep. Gambling? Sport? What do you think?


Alcohol is sleep. Of course. You all love alcohol, right? And what do the advertising executives tell you that you’re buying there? Good times and good company? Glamour? Excitement? Coolness? The Craic?


Bullcrap. They’re selling you sleep, that’s all.


If sleep was what you wanted then why didn’t you just come to me? Why not be honest about it? Say that you want some smack…









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