I was trained to be a gom. Trained every step of the way – trained from birth all the way up to the present moment, as I believe I have already mentioned. Mentioned many times, in fact. Trained by experts, trained by the best. ‘Experts in the art of being expert’, you might say, and that’s the best sort of expert there is. By God it is. The very special type of kudos that only the very best experts are allowed to have. Experts in the art, my friends – experts in the art. The most solemn and arcane art there is, as you might imagine. As you might well imagine. The Art of Bullshit. You have to respect them for that, you see – you have to respect them for their fortitude in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary. And not just ‘common or garden fortitude’ either. It’s not just the ability to keep on putting one foot in front of the other and persevere thereby with the most transparent lame-ass bullshit that you’ve ever heard in all your life, not just the absolute shameless disregard for the truth. It is not in other words merely ‘the flagrant and most visible contempt for the basic everyday virtue of honest self-reflection’ but crucially – and I think you will agree with me wholeheartedly when I say this – a type of intoxicating ‘self-manufactured glory’ that sweeps everyone along with it, riding on the wave. ‘Riding on the gravy train’, as you might also say. We’re all hoping to share in that glory you see, we’re jumping on board with the Gravy Train so that we may get a bit of what’s going around. What’s goes around comes around, after all. ‘Rejoice in Satan’s magnificent malice’, we say grandly, ‘because there’s more than enough to go around…’ There’s no need to fret, you see, no need to worry about whether you made ‘the right choice’ or not. Or any sort of dumbass crap like that. Because the guarantee is there for all to see – there’s going to be ‘some for everybody’, there’s going to be ‘a fair and equitable portion for everyone concerned’. Our own private share of Lord Satan’s magnificent malice – no one’s going to run short, I can assure you of that. No one’s going run short. Plenty to go around. How to be an absolute Knob End and yet win praise and admiration from all. How to be a total inexcusable low-life SHIT and yet win the Golden Kudos Award. Isn’t that the name of the game now? Isn’t that the ‘Holy Grail’ spoken of in reverent terms by the Great and the Wise? If there was ever anything better than that then He kept it for himself – isn’t that what they say? It’s the Ultimate Life Hack but it’s not for everyone. It’s the ultimate ultimate, and you’ll have to go through many tests before you can be judged worthy. You first have to be admitted into the inner circle, the inner sanctum. You will have to know the special handshake. You have to have the special trousers. There’s damnation in plenty for everyone, so don’t fret. Damnation in plenty. Lots for everybody. You’ll get your share so you can rejoice on that account. It’s in the bag, my friends – it’s in the bag…
Image credit – civictheartre.ie