I was shouting out praises to the Great Satan, on account of how great he was. On account of how very great he was. He couldn’t do any wrong, according to me. He can’t put a foot wrong, as far as I’m concerned. Even if all he did was to let out a fart, that would be enough for me to start shouting out the praises. Shouting my goddamn head off. Like there was no tomorrow. Like a total bloody moron. That’s just the kind of guy I am, I guess. ‘Satan’s so super-great’, I gushed, ‘he’s so wonderful and I just know he’s going to sort everything out…’
Satan’s going to take care of everything, so he is. That’s how great he is. Relax and put all your trust in the Great Abuser, that would be my advice. Don’t sweat the small stuff, let your man take care of all that! He’ll sort it out, don’t you worry – he’ll sort it out and no mistake. He’ll sort it out good and proper you can be sure. People often ask me how I can be so calm in the face of universal pestilence and confusion, how I can be so serene when the whole world seems to be caving in on itself. Well, that’s the answer right there – I trust in the Lord Satan to take care of things. You know he’s going to, after all – he gets the job done every time!
Shouting praises, shouting praises, shouting praises until you can’t shout any more. Until your voice goes hoarse. Until hell freezes over. Until one of the neighbours calls the police. Or whichever happens first, I guess. ‘He’s at it again, officer,’ they will say, ‘he’s doing it again – praising Satan for all he’s worth, shouting praises to Satan as if there were no tomorrow…’ Which one day there won’t be, of course. Which one day they won’t be – but we won’t worry overmuch about that for now. We’ll save it for later, so we will. We’ll put it on the back-burner…
How to talk shyte and bully people, that’s what we all want to know, isn’t it? You can learn it from books, you can learn it from the Internet, you can learn it at college or university, and so on. You can learn it at a tender age from school or from your family. All these marvellous opportunities exist and we mustn’t waste them. That’s what I always say, anyway. That’s what I say I say, if you know what I mean That’s what I say I say I say but that’s a rabbit hole I intend to stay clear of for the time being. We’ll save that for another day. How to be a total COCK and get away with it, right? Isn’t that the million-dollar question, isn’t that the question that’s on everyone’s lips? If you knew that then you’d be laughing, you’d be made up for sure.
Life is funny old thing, isn’t it? The more vicious and ignorant and downright vile you are the more celebrated you are – your face will be on every billboard. If you rejoice in the degradation of your fellow human beings then you will earn the title of patriot and statues will be erected to you in every town square. To give hope and inspiration where it is needed. Isn’t that the way? So it was in times past and so it is today – to be a ‘successful shit’ is considered by all and sundry to be the ultimate accomplishment. We take great comfort from this – we experience the most delightful vicarious pleasure from observing the unending cruelties that are enacted in the name of the Lord of Darkness. In the name of the Great and Loathsome Despiser. It gives us the message we all want to hear, basically. It gives us that message loud and clear. ‘Let them have it’, we cry out veangefully, ‘let them have what they’ve got coming to them…’
Praising Satan for all we’re worth, right? Singing our praises from morning till night. Rejoicing in his magnificent malice. Posting about how great he is on your favourite social media sites, and so on. Trolling the unbelievers. You know how it goes. Gushing about how inspirational he is. What a uniquely magnificent and wonderfully inspirational gift to the world he is. That’s kind of how we are, I’m afraid – that’s about the size of it. That’s the long and the short of it. How to be an absolute colossal knob-end and get away with it. How to talk utter shyte and yet receive lifelong adulation.
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