I was trained to be stupid every step of the way. Trained by experts. Trained by the best. ‘Trained by the very best’ – isn’t that what they say? How can you possibly go wrong then, you see? How can you go wrong after a headstart like this? You’re set up for life then and that’s the whole point of what I’m trying to say here. That’s the whole point in a nutshell. That’s hitting the nail right on the head, not like when your aim goes funny at the last moment and you end up hitting it a glancing blow which then of course makes it go sideways so then you end up cursing and swearing and trying to get the nail straight again, which generally we can’t because the bloody thing won’t go in properly because you bloody bent it. You’ve made a complete and utter bollocks of it and now you’re in a lousy mood as a result. Not that you weren’t in a lousy mood beforehand of course but now it’s worse – it’s gone up a notch or two beyond the level that it was and now you’re in danger of losing it big time and you don’t want that. You don’t want that because then you’ll end up making a complete twat of yourself, same as you always do. Trained to be stupid, trained to be a total bloody gom! Trained by the best we’ve got. The very best. The very pest. Trained by the experts. Trained by the pros. Trained by the guys in suits. They are the experts on how to ‘talk shyte and get away with it’ and it’s not just ‘get away with it’ either – don’t they get paid very handsomely into the bargain? Don’t they make a very good living out of it? And don’t they expect (and demand) to be accorded the inordinate respect that is due to them as a result of them being so superlatively accomplished and admirably qualified in the noble art of lying their goddamn heads off in the face of all the evidence? Don’t they DEMAND it? There’s kudos to be had there you see – lots and lots of kudos. The best type. Top quality kudos. This is what you might call ‘Gold Standard’. There is a special type of kudos that has to be reserved for proper serious experts, proper professional experts, accredited in the arcane art of coming out to the most transparently ludicrously contrived bullshit in a totally deadpan super-serious fashion so that we all get taken in by it. Despite the fact that it’s obviously all lies. You’ve got to respect them for that, right? How do they keep it together? I keep expecting them to suddenly burst out laughing or – at the very least – break out in a bit of a smirk when they see us swallowing all the outrageous garbage they keep coming out with. But no – there’s no trace of a smile, no trace of anything. They keep a perfectly straight face throughout and that is not easy. That’s professionalism, that is. Keeping a lid on it like that. That’s dedication for you…