I was defending myself – no one else would, after all! He did a bad thing your honour, I explained before the court. He did a bad thing, and he knew it to be to be bad when he did it, he knew it but he didn’t care that it was wrong. He meant to do the bad thing, and he knew full well just how bad it was. He knew very well. He couldn’t have cared less but he went ahead and did it all the same and that was definitely wrong. The defendant admits all this and he owns up to being a thoroughly bad person and he hopes you will show lenience on account of his honesty in this matter.
I like to think that I came off plausibly enough in my heartfelt address to the court. I’d like to think this because I know I’m generally a very plausible person – I can talk myself out of anything usually, but on this occasion I was starting to get the feeling that I wasn’t quite pulling it off. Not like I normally do. My charm wasn’t working. ‘Guys, guys, guys, give me a break!’ I begged, ‘I can’t help being bad, after all – that’s just the way I’m made.’ I was defending myself in a court of law. I was defending myself against all the charges.
I did the bad thing your honour I burst out, I did the bad thing and it was a very bad thing – one of the worst. One of the very worst. If not THE worst. I did the bad thing and so here I was facing the consequences. I didn’t ask to be the way I am, I told the magistrate, I was born this way. I’ve always been this way’. He did the bad thing your honour I explained to the court. He is a very guilty perpetrator and he broke all the rules. He didn’t mean it – although he did really, of course. I was mounting a spirited defence and the prosecution’s case was collapsing all around them. I had them beat – although not really, of course.
It wasn’t me that did it I explained – I was nowhere near the crime scene at the time you see and anyway I didn’t know anything about it. It’s all about outmanoeuvring the prosecution you see – it’s all about confounding all their groundless accusations, which are falling thick and fast all around me. Thick and fast, thick and fast. I’m batting them off just as fast as I can with my little toy bat. The faster they come the faster my arms work! It never happened, I told the jury, that’s a total lie. None of this is real. It’s a set up…
He was created in Satan’s own image your honour I explained eagerly to the judge. I was talking too fast for my own good but I couldn’t help it. He was created in Satan’s own image, I gabbled, and so what chance did he have? He was doomed from Day One – things were never ever going to go any other way. He drew the short straw. People like him just fine until they realize that they don’t. He gets on very well with everyone until they get to see what he’s really like. He’s the life and soul of the party. He’s the life and soul of the party until he isn’t. It wasn’t me that did it I explained and anyway it wasn’t my fault. He was created in Satan’s own image I explained to the Grand Council of Elders. He used to be me but not anymore. I became someone else. I was defending myself, trying to put the record straight. I was defending myself in a court of law.
