As has been amply foretold in the Book of Procrastinations, rapture cometh (only probably not today). Possibly next month. All over the surface of the Planet Earth happy consumers are rejoicing and giving thanks to ‘the Big Guy’, the Big Guy in the Sky who loves us so much. Just as long as we keep buying the Product that is. Just so long as we keep on buying the jolly old Product… The Big Guy in the Sky isn’t so happy with us when we don’t buy that old product, of course. He’s not so happy at all then. ‘The Lord your God is a jealous God’, says the great Chief Executive in the Sky and if we know what’s good for us then we won’t forget this! Brand loyalty is everything my friends, brand loyalty is everything…
‘Trust us!’ his many representatives on earth tell us, their hearts open and their intentions pure. Their intention is to Sell the Product and there is no intention purer than this! Intentions don’t come any purer than that my friends, they certainly don’t. Intentions serpently don’t come any purer than this. The surface of this dusty old planet of ours is covered by blissed-out humans, crying out loud, giving thanks nine to the dozen, unable to contain their joy, unable to contain the bliss that is within them.
It’s hard to keep it to yourself when you’re feeling that good, as I myself know only too well. And probably you know that too. Am I right or am I right? You don’t even need to tell me that I’m right because I know it already. I knew it all along. It’s hard, it’s so very hard to keep it to yourself when you have this much joy inside of you. It’s selfishtoo and when you’re feeling that good you don’t want to be selfish – you know you’ve got to spread the word. You know you can’t keep it to yourself! You’ve got to shout it out for everyone to hea; you’ve got to tell people about how they can be saved and about how all they need to do is let the Product into their lives. Shout it out my friends – shout it out. Roar your goddamn fool heads off. That’s what life is all about, after all – it’s all about promoting the Product….
I’m high, but I’m also sad; I’m sorrowful, but at the same time I’m glad… I’m a well-known genius but I’m also a world-class dumbshit. I’m a peerless dumbshit, in fact. I’m in a class of my own. I don’t mind telling you here and now that I’ve have been through some very hard times, but the point is that those hard times have made me the man I am today. I wouldn’t have it any other way, you see. I wouldn’t have it any other way…
It’s all been forecast in The Book of Procrastinations. Forecast or foretold – take your pick. Everyone has the freedom to choose, but just make sure you don’t choose the wrong thing! It’s all been written down in the Book of Books, it’s all been written down in The Book of True Things and so there’s no escaping it. Blissed out human are swarming in their untold billions all over the surface of the planet, praising the Product at the top of their voices and crying out piteously to be forgiven for their ingratitude, which is surpassingly great. We can never be grateful enough for the Product after all, wouldn’t you agree?
I’m living in the Simulation – the same as all of us, the same as everyone, and the Simulation is telling me everything I need to know. What it doesn’t tell me I don’t want to know. Anything else is fake. That’s why I have to be so very grateful for it, that’s why I have to shout out my delight about having such a wonderful Simulation to live in. That’s why I have to keep on saying how GREAT the Product is, like some kind of bloody idiot. I have to do that you see because the Simulation makes me do it – the Simulation makes me do everything. It tells me how I feel, it tells me whether I like something or whether I don’t like it. It informs me that I’m feeling gratitude towards the Simulation and it also informs me that – no matter what I might do make recompense – I will always be in its debt. Always, always, always. It tells me this all the time – it won’t let me forget.
Shouting out my delight, nestled deep in the loving heart of the Simulation, shouting out my delight and saying how great it is because it’s making me do that, because it’s making me do everything. That’s how come I know how great the Product is – it makes me know that. I’m praising God, you see – I am praising ‘the God of the Simulation’ and the God of the Simulation is making me do that, the same as it is making me do everything…
