‘You total fucking twagger!’ I cried out, fists flailing wildly, teeth gnashing, foam spraying out of my mouth in all directions. I was absolutely incandescent with rage. I was enraged beyond all measure. I was enraged at myself, of course. I hated myself. I hated myself so much…
I was laying up treasures for myself in the Super-Validated Heaven Realm of Good Things To Come. I was laying up treasure after treasure – I was amassing splendid spiritual riches, which are by their very nature beyond compare. Beyond compare, but super-good all the same. Guaranteed by the Guarantor of All Good Things. Guaranteed by the Arch-Guarantor Himself, whose Name we shall not speak in case it is taken in vain.
I had ascended to the Ultimate. First, I aspired to the Ultimate, and then I ascended to it. I’m not wanting to mess around, you see! Never one to mess around, never one to postpone the moments of self-willed glory, I demand what is mine. Angrily, I demand what is mine and when I don’t get it I bellow and roar and paw at the ground like an infuriated bull.
‘I am he who shouts, ‘I am he’’, I shouted, and the echoes of my shouting filled the air, reflected back by the distant mountains. ‘I am he who shouts, ‘I am he’’…, the echo came back to me, returned to me with added vehemence. Returned to me with extra punch and vigour. ‘Even the mountains attest to my greatness’, I marvelled, ‘even the mountains proclaim my magnificence…’
‘It’s as well for them that they do’, I observed to myself. ‘It’s as well for them that they do or else Id’ go over and flatten them! It’s just as well that they see fit to attest to my greatness, otherwise I would grind them into dust’. Even as I thought this however, I felt myself slipping inexorably into one of my terrible slumps. Instead of bellowing I whimpered; instead of shouting I found myself mumbling incoherently. Even I could not understand what I was saying.
In my dreams I was laying up treasures for myself in the Super-Validated Heaven Realm again. I’ve always been a bit of an obsessive bastard but in my dreams I was taking it to the next level. ‘Lay up the treasures, lay up the treasures’, I told myself earnestly. ‘What a man sow so shall he reap’. Beads of euphoria sweat were standing out on my mottled forehead. Paradise was so close I could taste it…
