The Gastric Gods are the Deities of Digestion. This is what I eventually determined for myself, after long and thoughtful deliberation. Mystery solved, you might say – “Well done, that man!” Jolly good show. Impressed with my own powers of deduction I moved on to the next conundrum that was waiting to be resolved. The next in the queue, so to speak.
I have always been unusually intelligent, you see. Even from the earliest age. I remember that when I was merely a young prawn, barely knee high to a fiddler crab, I used to have the most remarkably intelligent thoughts. Truly amazing thoughts. I never understood any of them of course, and I certainly didn’t speak of them to anyone else. I would have been sent to a Correctional Facility if I had done that, at the very least. Possibly I would have been exiled from the Nest, which would have meant certain death. Definitely it would have meant certain death.
I’m big and strong now but back then I would have been nothing more than a very brief mouthful for some passing predator. I would have been snapped up immediately. A quick flash of teeth and that would have been that – it’s all over very quickly with the predators of the open ocean. Those predators of the open ocean – I used to be so scared of them! I used to crap myself in bed at night thinking of them. Literally. Not anymore though, not anymore. These days I don’t have any such worries – those deadly ocean predators should have finished me off when they had the chance. As I believe I have mentioned, I’m big and strong now. I’m a planetary Behemoth.
That’s only in my imagination, of course – in my imagination I’m undefeatable. This is a conscious plan on my part – I find it helps with my self-esteem. In real life I’m painfully timid and self-hating but in my fantasy inner life I’m the ultimate hero. A demigod, in fact. This gives me a great sense of personal empowerment and it also prevents me from feeling too down about my life. It’s a mental health strategy that I have evolved over time, all by myself. It’s a helpful strategy, a beneficial and liberating strategy, a scientifically proven and highly intelligent strategy. On my newly monetized website I call it the Demigod Strategy. ‘Make the strategy’, my toxic little mind barks viciously at me. It snarls like a vicious bloodthirsty monster. ‘Make the strategy, make the strategy, makes the strategy,’ it says.
My mind is a total moron, you see. It’s a tool. It loves strategies, of course. That’s understating the matter, in fact. My mind is completely twisted when it comes to strategies. It’s completely twisted when it comes to anything really. What can I do though? It’s my mind after all at the end of the day and I have to do what it says. We all have to Obey the Dictates of the Mad Mind and that’s just the way things are, you see. It doesn’t matter how crazy those crazy old dictates are – they can be as crazy as hell and you still have to obey them. Isn’t that the way it is?
I love to invent made-up little stories about how everything is ‘great’, about how I am great and how everything is going to work out so well for me, about how things couldn’t be better, and stuff like that. Good stories, upbeat stories, positive stories of people who love to look on the bright side. Stories about how I’m not a loser at all, and how I’m having a fantastic life and all that kind of stuff. I find that this helps a lot with my mental health. ‘Talk about happy things’, I instruct myself sternly. Think the good old happy thoughts. Crank up the Happy Engine so it can start pumping out the good good vibes again. Crank up the Happy Engine to the maximum so it can keep on pumping out the product we love so much. That good, good old product.
I find that thinking about happy things works very well. Indeed it does – how could it not, how could it not? Thinking about the happy things works so very well. I think about things like puppy dogs and sunshine. I think about a cheeky red robin that looks for crumbs at your feet as you sit on the park bench. I think of hundreds and hundreds of happy big fat flies buzzing about lazily on a swelteringly hot summer’s afternoon. Or do I mean bees? I probably mean bees. I expect bees is what I meant. I make sure to think only about the happy things, anyway – that’s the main point that I’m making here. Dodging the other thoughts, the thoughts that instantly ruin everything. You know the ones I mean.
Image – besthdwallpapers.com