I was winning, no doubt about that. I was winning all the time, winning constantly. I was winning fit to burst. Even when I blinked I became a winner – I won instantly no matter what I did. I was the All-Time Winner. I was the real deal – I couldn’t lose, I couldn’t not win.
The good times couldn’t last however – winning became a nightmare, winning became a horror I couldn’t escape from. I was losing by winning so much and there was no way I could turn this around. I had made a mistake by getting it right so often and this was an error I found it impossible to correct. Being right had made me wrong.
I had been a winner, no doubt about that, but the whole affair is little short of an embarrassment to me at this stage. A debacle, I would call it – a terrible, terrible debacle. When they’re gone they’re gone, the man on the radio tells me. I pause to take stock of these words, I stand still for a moment to ensure that I digest them fully.
Life unfolds regardless of all the things we do to stall it, wouldn’t you say? Life unfolds regardless of all our activities, all our deeply aberrant behaviours. Sure, we can hold it up for a while, we can put the brakes on it effectively enough, but it doesn’t do us any good in the end. It’ll do us no good at all in the end.
Do you wonder why we do it? I wonder why we do it – I wonder about this a lot. It goes around and around in my head. A pet topic of mine is the Darkened Mind. I can speak learnedly about the Darkened Mind for hours on end. There’s so much to be said about it, so very much. Picture it now, if you will – lurking in the corner, all shifty looking, small and wizened in its appearance, unwholesome-looking, plotting all sorts of wickedness because it thinks no one can see what it’s doing..
The Darkened Mind, the Darkened Mind – why am I always trapped in the Darkened Mind? This is just so wrong, so very very wrong, I say to myself. Such is my constant whining complaint, such is my constantly reiterated whining complaint.
The Law of Entropy prevails here you see. The Law of Entropy prevails and it makes everything dark. It’s the Great Darkener. Darker and darker, darker and darker. When it’s gone it’s gone, it’s gone for sure but we just don’t know it yet. The truth hasn’t caught up with us yet.
Core programming is useful in one way at least, it’s useful because when everything goes to shit and you no longer know what the hell you’re doing (because you’ve lost your shit) that good old core programming will still come through. It’ll keep on coming through. You’ll keep on doing the same old stuff you always do, just as if nothing has happened. There’s a lot to be said for that old core programming – it’s more ‘you’ than you are!
I’m haunted by the spectre of the Darkened Mind – wherever I go it’s on my trail. Don’t forget me, it says. You can’t do without me, it tells me. It nods over my shoulder, approving some things and disapproving others. It sits at the foot of my bed as I sleep. And all the while life waits in abeyance, biding its time. It’s in no hurry – it’ll unfold when it’s good and ready, you see if it doesn’t….