I was trapped in the reality simulator. ‘Help me, I’m trapped in the reality simulator’, I called out weakly but no one took any notice. No one took any notice because they were all trapped in it too. They had their own problems. They really didn’t care one way or another about my plaintive cries. My thoughts are Satan in disguise, you see – did I ever tell you that? This can offend some people of course – it can offend them mightily. ‘Well, that might be true for you’, they say snottily, ‘but it certainly isn’t true for us’. No way is it true for us. You frickin jerk.

That’s the kind of thing that folk generally come back with, anyway. Either that or something of a similar type of vibe. Something equally hoity-toity. Something equally pretentious. ‘Oh well excuse me for breathing’, I feel like saying, ‘I can see that I’ve offended someone’s rather fragile ego here…’ On the inside I’m raging but I tone it down – I restrict myself to a bit of passive-aggressive sarcasm. Being passive aggressive is my default really – I know it’s not the best but I don’t like to be too hostile in case someone takes it into their heads to hurt me. Violence is never too far away in this world.

If only I had the courage of my convictions, the courage to say what I think. What wouldn’t I say then? What wouldn’t I tell them? I’d put them right in a flash so I would but then they’d resent me and so they might well start plotting against me. They’d make my life a misery and so it really wouldn’t be worth it. Folk are very attached to their ignorance you know – there can be hell to pay if you try to take someone’s ignorance away. They need that shit, you know?

Do you know that thing where you’re horribly, horribly bored by your own dreadful mind because of the way that it keeps on thinking the same old appalling shite over and over again? That’s a right bastard when that happens isn’t it? It truly is. ‘Well that never happens to me,’ folk will reply haughtily. ‘My mind is always very interesting…’ That’s what you’re dealing with, you see. That’s exactly what you’re dealing with. ‘Of course your mind is interesting to you’, I feel like replying, ‘and that’s because you’re a total bloody muppet!’

I call that ‘Satan taking the piss’ – when your mind goes mental on you and makes you think the same stupid shite over and over again without ever a break. Satan’s having a laugh at your expense when that happens. Satan’s having a laugh at your expense because that’s what he likes to do. You bet he does. That’s classic Satan, it really is. ‘My mind’s not taking the piss,’ folk say stubbornly, ‘my mind is great, my mind is extremely interesting thank you very much..’

‘Of course it is, of course it is’, I’d like to reply. ‘Your mind isn’t taking the piss at all. You just carry on having fun with it…’ Your mind isn’t taking the piss out of you and you’re not a total utter twat either so I’m glad we’ve sorted that out! Everything’s cool. Everything’s cool, everything’s so very cool so let’s not fret over it anymore. Turn that frown upside down, right? I was trapped in the dream machine dreaming my frickin head off and it was all turning rather nasty. The dream machine had flipped over on me and had gone evil. It had gone over to the dark side. People say that there is no dark side, people say that there’s no such thing as evil, but that’s where they’re wrong. They are just too frightened to admit that it exists! They’re in denial and so they think that it can’t be true! Can’t fault the logic there I guess. Makes perfect sense to me…

I was trapped in the dream machine calling out feebly for help. ‘Help me guys’, I cried out plaintively, ‘I’m stuck in the dream machine and I can’t get out’. Only I wasn’t really calling out you see – that was only happening in my dream. I was only dreaming that I was calling out and in my dreams no one was coming to help me. No one was coming to help me in reality either, for that matter. You’ve actually got less chance of getting any help in reality, in my view. Call me cynical if you will but whenever chance you might have in the dream you’ve got none at all in reality…