It was a solemn occasion, no doubt about that. It was a very solemn occasion and yet everyone was laughing. They were shrieking with laughter, they were falling about in the aisles. The whole situation was very embarrassing. It was all my projection, and it was a very solemn occasion. I had been left in charge of the Enlightenment Machine but it had all started to go very wrong. ‘How wrong can it go?’ I asked myself, ‘just how bad can it get?’ Little did I know that I was about to find out…

I was learning to be an ego and it was going swimmingly. I had graduated from ego school with a distinction. At first it’s tricky enough of course, there are moments when you’re suddenly unsure of yourself and you have to stop and ask yourself ‘what would a true blue ego do in this situation?’ It doesn’t take too long before it all starts to come naturally however and then you’re away. You’ll never look back. There actually isn’t any looking back – even if you wanted to. So it’s onwards and upwards to the dizzy heights of Ego Supremacy. You attain to the mystical legendary Glory Fields of Supreme Egoic Validation and it doesn’t get any better than that, let me tell you.

This is something no ordinary run-of-the-mill Joe Soap is ever going to hear about of course. Such supreme dizzy heights are veiled from the vision of all but the most exalted egos, as you might imagine. Spiritually advanced egos, enlightened egos, highly refined egos, ultra-sophisticated egos, magical mystical egos – the ‘upper hierarchies of egohood’, we might say. The sky’s the limit, if you must know – the sky’s the bloody limit. You’ve passed the test and that’s the main thing, anyway. You’ve passed the test and so now no one’s going to shout at you and make a fool of you. All of that’s behind you now, you’re never going to have to worry about any of that kind of thing again. That’s a relief, isn’t it? That’s a major relief.

All my dreams of glory come down to this, I realise. It all comes down to my fear of being humiliated, my memories of being cruelly belittled. It all stems from the trauma that I have inside me, the trauma of all those people laughing at me and causing me to feel like such a dick. In my private imagination I walk pretty tall though, let me tell you that. Damn right I do – I’m walking pretty damn tall and no mistake. I’m no pushover, I can promise you that. The glory I attained to is beyond reproach, beyond the ken of ordinary men. ‘Beyond the ken of ordinary men’ has a surprisingly good ring to it, as I think you’ll agree. Walking tall my friend, walking tall. Claiming what is rightfully yours to claim. Standing shoulder to shoulder with Humanity’s Greatest Heroes…

The Enlightenment Machine was malfunctioning – it was rocking wildly to and fro on the reinforced concrete base that I had had specially installed for it and smoke was coming out in great billows from under its hood. Black choking smoke which carried the unmistakable smell of burning plastic. I was pretty sure that this wasn’t supposed to be happening, and the alarming way that the machine was jumping from side to side wasn’t doing my nerves any good either. And to cap it all, the bloody thing had started to emit loud clanking sounds. It was impossible not to get the feeling that this was all going into a very bad place. Some things you can work out for yourself, after all. Some things you don’t need to be told – ‘no special training needed’, sort of thing.