In the Kingdom of Unspeakable Body Odour the person who only smells half-bad is Lord and Master. Only not really of course. Not really. Only kidding, fellas. I’m just messing. It’s just a little joke of mine. He who only smells half-bad, he who only smells half-bad. That’s if you’re in the Kingdom of course; that’s only if you’re in the Kingdom. It doesn’t count otherwise. You are stuck in a dream and you can’t ever get out of it, you’re dreaming yourself and you just can’t stop. It’s a bad dream. It’s also completely involuntary – we do it in inadvertently, unbeknownst to ourselves. Only there is no ‘ourselves’ and that’s the whole point. You love talking so much but at the same time you’ve got nothing to say. Words can’t describe it anyway. Words can never describe it.

We all adhere to the equilibrium values of yore and that’s the mark of our respect, that’s the mark of our respect and deference. It’s a mark of our dedication to the cause – it’s the thing to do, of course. There are medals to be won as well you know; honours will be bestowed. It’s called having a sense of duty and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s called ticking the box and we’ve all got plenty to say on that subject. Plenty to say, plenty to say. You’re rubbing shoulders with the makers and the shakers, the bakers and the fakers. You are being seen in all the right places and tongues are wagging. Tongues are always wagging. Comments are being made. You’re suffering from low grade anxiety and fatigue – you’ve been pushing the boat out too far you see. You have been burning the candle in the middle and that is the worst thing you could ever do. You’ve made mistakes the same as everyone else but all you want is another chance. Is that too much to ask, you wonder?

We adhere scrupulously, if not reverentially, to the equilibrium values. We revere the equilibrium values and all credit is due to us for that. We are utterly scrupulous in our observation of these meaningless old equilibrium values and there’s nothing more deserving of credit than this. None can reproach us and none shall reproach us. Those days are over. The days of being reproached are over and done with and the days of glory have arrived. Do not be embarrassed to accept your prize – it is only right that you should ascend the podium and graciously accept (as is your right) the marvellous stupendous honours that are being bestowed upon you. It’s only right and only fitting. Events happen and then mere moments later they un-happen again leaving all of us confused and upset. Is someone playing tricks on us or what? Is someone – some shadowy mocking figure – having a laugh at our expense? If so they must surely be laughing long and loud. Their unkind laughter resonates nastily throughout the length and breadth of the Great Hall of Judgement…

‘I have taken my place amongst the ranks of the justified,’ you protest strenuously, ‘and I do not deserve this uncalled for mockery. I have observed the sacred days and seasons’. You’re right to protest, of course – you have every right to do so. I support you all the way in your impassioned quest for fairness. Fairness and decency. Fairness is so important, isn’t it? It’s very important indeed, but only in a subjective kind of a way. Only in a subjective kind of a way since – as we all know only too well – it doesn’t really exist. You’re angry and aggrieved and I can understand that. Why wouldn’t you be? You did everything you were supposed to do, and you said everything you were supposed to say. You thought the correct thoughts. You lead the life that everyone said you should lead and yet all you get for it is cruel mockery! How deep that must cut, how deep that must cut.

In the Kingdom of Cruel and Unforgiving Body Odour he who smells only half-bad is Lord and Master of all he surveys and that’s my situation exactly. That’s how it is. That’s my situation in a nutshell. Or at least that’s how it seems to me. That’s how things strikes me at the moment, although that could of course change in a second. My thinking is stale, ponderous and self-defeating and yet it’s all I have. It’s all I have and I have to make do with it…