Rubbish Heads

The world is full of egos posing and posturing. I know that as well as you do – I wasn’t born yesterday, after all. The world is full, the world is full. When I was young and gauche I was a member of an illegal youth cult known as the Rubbish Heads. We made a point of filling our heads full of hideously nonsensical garbage decades before the Internet was invented. Some would say that we were ahead of our time. I was rehabilitated in Feltham Young Offenders Institute where I was re-engineered as a friendly Cyborg. Vast numbers of Microbead© data processors were injected willy-nilly into my brain but the procedure wasn’t successful. Angry and resentful, I stalked the streets of an alternative London, shouting at normal, decent folk and generally making a nuisance of myself. Warrants were issued for my arrest but I was too wily for them – I disguised myself as a battalion of battle-weary war droids, returning from a tour of duty in the Coalsack Nebula. I was awarded a medal for gallantry and allowed to retire with a small pension, but my story wasn’t over.


We all make mistakes and life and I’d be the first to admit to it. We all make mistakes and I’ve made more than most – there’s no denying that. In the past I wasn’t always entirely honest about these mistakes of mine however and this sometimes used to land me in trouble. I’m not proud of those days, but then again, I don’t feel guilty either. The part of my brain responsible for inducing the feeling of guilt has been taken out and replaced by nano-processors. I can no longer feel human emotions but one compensation for this deficit is the fact that I can now perform all sorts of edgy calculations regarding the state vectors of certain imaginary subatomic particles, the imaginary subatomic particles which go to make up the Reality Flux itself. These calculations don’t tell me anything useful but I find it interesting to keep abreast of them all the same. I’m kind of obsessive that way. One of these days I might be able to anticipate an anomalous pseudo-event microseconds before it occurs and that will allow me to jump from one version of parallel Earth to another. Anomalous pseudo-events can be exploited you see, but only if your wits are quick enough to allow you to do so. Ordinary humans with their colloidal brains could never pull this off – manipulating the Reality Flux is something that only an Omega Class Android can do.


All of that is pure fantasy, of course. My nano-processors are all shot and I can’t even perform this simplest calculations with them. I’m pretty much defunct at this stage and the world has no more use for me. It never did have any use for me, come to think of it, nor I for it. We all make mistakes during the course of our lives as I have already said and some mistakes are more easily mended than others. Some can’t be mended at all. Some go on to create entire universes that are founded upon irredeemable wrongness and it was a mistake like that which I was personally responsible for making. It was a biggy, in other words, although ordinary humans with their jelly-like brains find it impossible to comprehend what I’m talking about. It’s all to do with anomalous events that take place in imaginary universes anyway. I created an anomaly that should never have been created and I must take the blame for that. No one told me that it would be a good idea, no one put the suggestion in my head – I just went ahead and did it, off my own bat, so to speak. ‘Live well’, say all the ads. Live well. Make sure that you live well. Because if you don’t then that’s not good, is it? Not when all the ads are telling you how important it is. They’re reinforcing the point – they’re reminding you in case you had forgotten. The implication is there, hanging soundlessly in the air. Because if you don’t, because if you don’t, then you’re letting yourself down and that’s not good. Whoops! You’ve ballsed it up you silly fecker. You made a shit of it so you did. You’ve made a pig’s ear of it. If it’s wrong then it can’t be right, after all. You’ve made a mistake and what are you going to do about it? You’ve made a poor life-choice and so now you’re just going to have to live with it…



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