I had no coherent sense of identity but – on the plus side – I could still roar and shout. I could roar and shout just as much as I pleased and so I did. I could bellow like a complete moron and so I did. I could roar like a fuckwit and so I did.

‘The best just got better’ – I read that on an advertising billboard the other day. The best just got better – that’s the ticket isn’t it? I love positive-sounding stuff. ‘The best just got better’ – how good is that? All that positive talk is great – I really hate people that come out with that old negative crap, don’t you? Negative stuff is so negative, as we all know.

I had a coherent sense of identity alright but nothing at all to say for myself. Nothing original, at any rate. Nothing that wasn’t bullshit. ‘Welcome to the human race,’ they used to say to me, ‘we are the reception committee and we would like to welcome you to the Wonderful World of Human Beings’. That was all in my head though. None of that was real. But is reality all that it’s cracked up to be though?’ I hear you say. ‘Don’t you think it could be somewhat overrated?’

We all know that sense of disappointment that comes when we finally discover what reality is really all about. ‘Oh is that it?’ we say, ‘is that all there is to it?’ We’re crestfallen. ‘That’s it, I’m afraid’ everyone will tell us, ‘that’s reality so you’d better get used to it.’ That’s what everybody always says, isn’t it? That’s reality my boy so you’d better get used to it.’ You’d better get used to it, you’d better get used to it.

It’s just a matter of lowering your expectations really, isn’t it? It’s just a matter of copping on a bit; giving up on your soft romantic notions about life. Whatever romantic notions you might have had. Yes we knew you thought that there was going to be more to reality than there is. But you were wrong so just get over it. You’re being ridiculous. Grow up, you pathetic soft-headed fool! That’s what they’ll say. Reality is really basic and easy to understand and it’s not at all fancy or wonderful. It’s not special. It’s just crap really but we have to make do it. We have to make do with it because there’s nothing else. What else would there be, after all? What did you expect?

Then they will all be laughing at you because you expected something different. You stupid ejit you. Where did get the idea that reality would be something special? It’s traumatic when they all laugh at you. It leaves scars – deep scars, in fact. It makes you bitter and cynical. You’re not a nice person any more. Oh no – you’re not a nice person at all. Far from it. You’re sour and resentful and you’ve never got a good word for anybody. All you can do is criticise and complain. You’re always hoping to find someone young and naïve so you can jeer at them. Teach them to be a miserable bastard like you are. How dare they expect reality to be in any way decent?

I remember when I was studying to become a gobshyte at a top-rated university – I was studying Pure and Applied Codology at the University of ArseWipe. I was doing a Masters. I was one of the top students in fact – everyone told me that they always knew I had what it takes to be a gobshyte. They would clap me on heartily on the back and tell me that they always knew I had it in me. What it takes to be a total gobshyte. ‘You’ll go far my boy,’ they’d say. ‘You’re going to make the grade. You’re going to go far in this stupid old world of ours…’